“How is tofu made?”
Well, when an edamame loves an edadade very much….
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[snowman rings doorbell]
Pardon me, but I overheard someone say something about a “snow blower” and was wondering where I might find one.
Sleepless in Seattle starring Tom Honks and Meg Ryan (1993)
Yes I can speak a foreign language if you count when I talk about the 80s in front of my nephews.
Me: *stubs toe*
My voodoo doll: “Ouch! Jeez can’t that idiot get ANYTHING right?!”
One day they won’t want to hang with you anymore I tell myself as my kids have 47 things to tell me while I’m on the toilet.
It infuriates me that computer Scrabble doesn’t get mad when I win even though I’m livid when it wins.
me: do that thing i like
him: stops blocking the kitchen drawer i need to get into
my tinder date ended up being a bald mannequin i was so embarrassed at the restaurant and then at the hotel
My little dog: *knocks garbage can over in kitchen, walks by me with pizza crust hanging out of his mouth like a cigar*
Forgive me Father, for I have sinned.
~What is your sin, child?
My husband and I are arguing
~That’s very common.
…about my boyfriend.
Them: We’re concerned about you. We think you’re a Black Widow [offers me cake & coffee]
Me: No thanks. I’m trying not to eat between males
The Epstein client list but to the tune of Mambo number 5.
ME: Hey, what are you building?
PAL: A new kitchen counter
ME: That seems…
PAL: Please don’t
ME: …counterproductive
Just tracked down a student to ask where his amazing looking sandwich was from and he didn’t know. How is this possible.
“Waitress!”
Waitress: “Sir?”
“Could you check the rest-room? My date has been gone 2 hours. Also, her coat has been stolen”
Lied on my résumé and got the hospital job. Hope performing surgery doesn’t come up.
coworker relationships are so bizarre like i wouldn’t acknowledge you in public but i def know all about how your great aunt poisoned your great uncle for a life insurance payout.
Sorry I’m late but my goldfish needed a bath.
Honey, I’m afraid we can’t get married anymore. weed_hitler69 just told me I was gay.
*looks at Xbox*
Thank you sir. You’ve changed my life.
My girlfriend and I are celebrating our anniversary tonight by breaking up six years ago.
I received my 5yo’s report card today. His teachers are impressed with his leadership skills and want him to be the class tidy up captain because he’s so helpful! I’m really proud but also wondering if they’re talking about the right kid.
Anyone who expects to feel safe in a driverless car has never owned a printer.
One thing no one ever talks about being an adult is how much time you debate yourself on keeping a cardboard box because it’s, like, a really good box.
By 33, you’d think I’d have figured out at some point along the way where to put my arms when I sleep.
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
No, he could speak more languages than that. He had racist shoulders. His front teeth were impatient.
Hate it when all of Asia tells me that I exaggerate things.
When Godzilla keeps knocking down stuff that you can’t even reach.
My 5 year old brother said “when I’m older I won’t have a GF, I’ll live on my own like my big brother”
YEAH CAUSE THAT’S TOTALLY A CHOICE
Being an adult means I’m in charge of my own bedtime, and I’ve realized I’m not equipped to handle that responsibility.
you use, so many commas, I can only read your tweets, like Christopher Walken