It’s settled. I’m measuring everything in comparison to the size of an American alligator.
You Might Also Like
First they came for the people who say “Awesome sauce,” and I said nothing, because, frankly, those people deserve it.
Doesn’t count, officer, you forgot to read me my amanda rights!
“Your what?”
You know, my… [mumbles] banana rights.
Playing dodgeball with kids is harder than it looks cause you have to throw them with both hands.
DANNY OCEAN: I’m putting together a crew for the biggest job ever and I need you
ME: *wiping off a giant milk moustache* I am 100% sure you have the wrong person but I’m in
Single: Knows all the bars in a 10 mile radius.
Married: Knows all the restaurants in a 10 mile radius.
As a parent: Knows all the bouncy places in a 10 mile radius.
Always a housemaid, never a house.
announcing “i’m pregnant”
– pretty normal
– congratulations
– are you excited?screaming “there’s something inside of me”
– sounds dangerous
– we still talking about pregnancy?
– are you john hurt’s character from the hit film alien?
I think it’s really important to always support your children even though they might say troubling things like they “don’t like chocolate pudding”
Being unemployed has given me even more time to make up songs to sing to my cat.
I pledged to pick up 10 pieces of trash on Tuesday. So, I’m going to Walmart to see if anyone needs a ride.
*adds humanitarian to resume
When I hear my kids try to insult each other with “yo momma” jokes, I end up yelling how I’m not fat or stupid.
Why did Kermit The Frogs name feel the need to clarify he was a frog?
Jim: You have a Fantasy Football team?
Me: Guys aren’t my thing. But, Tom Brady’s kinda cute.
Jim: No, I-
Me: Ooh! Cam Newton’s dreamy, too!
Underwear…
Because every present needs to be wrapped.
HISTORIAN: So the important thing to remember is Ted Bundy was a horrific serial killer.
PRODUCER: Right. Also incredibly hot.
HISTORIAN: Really, just, try to focus on how he was a homicidal monster.
PRODUCER: Yeah, total smoke show, we’re on the same page.
For as long as that song was, you’d think the Ghost Busters would have mentioned their phone number at least once…
Who called them silk boxers and not ball gowns
9: Why do some British people drop the t’s in their accents?
Me: Cause they have different accents from different parts of England.
9: No it’s cause they drank all the teas!
I lost an ibuprofen under my dresser a week ago and now I’m worried the spiders are coming after me with no headaches and renewed vigor.
Fitness bloggers are like, “Just fill your cabinets with healthy food.” You mean my spice museums?!
And is the financial stability in the room with us right now?
if I’m ever feeling lonely and I need someone to talk to me, I just announce to my spouse or kids that I’m about to take a nap
Me: I hope you don’t mind if I nibble during sex.
Her: Not at all!
Me: Great!
*Pulls out grilled cheese sandwich*
My kid was supposed to enter second grade but after months of homeschooling he’ll be going back to kindergarten.
America is 5 wars away from receiving a free one.
When the sonographer says your ovaries look like the dark side of the moon, that’s good, right?
My boyfriend is not like other guys. He wants to date me
Them: I wish for world peace
Me: May all the food you order resemble the picture on the menu
DOCTOR: Im sorry, I can’t see you right now
ME: [wearing my new camouflage suit] lol that is so awesome
“This sausage tastes funny.”
“Funny how? Like it’s made from a clown? Because it’s not. It’s absolutely not clown sausage.”