Me: how was school?
Son: I cried today.
Me: oh that’s okay everyone cries.
Son: and I peed on my teacher.
Me: oh that’s okay buddy, I pee on people all the time.
Wife: stop.
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The two places we often associate with the word ‘committed’ are in reference to insane asylums, and murder.
No surprise that a third place is with relationships.
SPLOOT
“you changed” bro i was 15
DNA editing was invented by Gene Hackman
One time I found $100 bill in the IKEA parking lot….. I then went inside and spent $447. Brillianty played, IKEA.
Takes approximately 7.5 seconds for #Adele to make you mourn a relationship that you weren’t even in.
Taurus: People will call you a trend setter this week when you’re bitten by a new species of snake.
Flight Attendant: Is anyone on this plane a doctor
*Hands shoot up*
FA: …of love?
*I rise, resplendent in my leopard-print leisure suit*
CEO: we’re shutting down 60 offices to save $$ and everyone will work at home.
me: cool. do i get a bigger raise next year then?
CEO: haha no. but we will give you your office chair for free
Did you ever see someone yawn, and then yawn yourself? That psychological reaction is a phenomenon known as: “Katherine Heigl movies.”
The way my dog is whimpering while he sleeps, I bet he’s dreaming of a squirrel riding on the back of a vacuum cleaner brandishing nail clippers
[Watching the sunset over Paris]
BF: My darling *goes down on one knee*
GF: OH MY GOD!!
BF: THIS is how I proposed to my last girlfriend
I say “correct me if I wrong” just to make people listen to me.
How to shape your eyebrows
A thread
Sci-fi is when Benedict Cumberbatch looks like this and fantasy is when Benedict Cumberbatch looks like this
Anyone else pick up clothes from the floor, knowing full well they are clean, and throw them in the laundry because that’s another day’s problem?
Please tell me I’m not alone on this.
“Ever wonder why Rice Krispies costs the same as quieter cereals?”
why would-
“It’s because they’re sold by weight-“
Dan, NO
“not by volume”
Shake what your mama gave you.
*turkey soup from a cool whip container just flies everywhere
I’m trying to convince this guy that ‘jesus is the reason for the season’ but loansharks have a different perspective
I always try to tell myself that I don’t actually hate people as much as I say I do…and then I go to the mall.
The fastest land mammal is a toddler who’s been asked what’s in their mouth.
My bank assures me my money is safe with them, yet they keep their pens chained to desks and most of them are missing.
How long does it take for an avocado to brown after you cut it nevermind.
Girl: Cute dog
Me: Thanks he’s my therapy dog
Dog: *taking notes* possessive and codependent
Me: mic is short for microphone
My kid: so my uncle’s name is Microphone?!
“IT BURNS!”
-My 2 year-old, drinking room temperature water.
Diet update: I’m already down 3 scales after throwing them out the window.
I get it, McFlurry machine. I don’t work when I’m at work either.
Gonna start passive aggressively sending herbal teas. Oh yes, I thought you’d enjoy it it’s for brain fog.