Has anyone tried biting a zombie to see if they just turn back into people?
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Sorry I followed your minivan for an hour. I got caught up in the movie your kids were watching and wanted to see how it ends.
scientist: what do u know about atoms
me: very little
This holiday season, make sure to confront your family about current issues like for example: how they choose to pronounce “pecans”.
Me: I’m worried that the romance has gone out of our marriage
Hub: Bet I can change your mind during the next commercial break
Ah yes, time for the biannual gaslighting of the cat, in which I slowly shift meals by 15 minutes at a time for two weeks in a ritual that is both mystifying and infuriating for him.
Them: sir there’s no food allowed in here.
Me: this is my service burrito.
[rap battle]
[my opponent attempts to drop the mic, but I stealthily tied it to his finger so it just comes back up like a yo-yo]
The Sun
Kidney stones? Hard pass
I play hard to get by barricading the door and holding hostages.
Me: I’m sorry, but I don’t think I’ll ever be ready to have children
Wife: I won’t say it again, stop saying that in front of the kids
Welcome to “I HEARD THE CAT PUKE BUT DON’T KNOW WHERE” the game where your eyes try to find it before your feet do.
my mom making me talk to relatives
King sized beds are tricky. Although you get more bed room, you also get less bedroom.
baby cows are called calves bc it’s half a cow. half cow. calf. no more questions
I guess all my problems started when my buddy broke his arm over the weekend but Monday there wasn’t any space left for me to sign it
People buying plungers never look happy.
[poking you repeatedly in the shoulder] I’ll keep this up until you acknowledge me. I’ve got nowhere else to be.
kids have such bloody amazing imaginations, and yet when it comes to naming things they’re like this is elfie, my elf
RIDDLER: What has–
BATMAN: A gazebo
ROBIN: Matches
RIDDLER: Let me finish-
BM: A paperweight
R: Dental floss
RIDDLER: I hate you guys
*goes to the gym*
*takes a selfie & posts it on Facebook for the wife to see*
*hurries to the bar*
you play enough angry birds and you realize: the angry bird is you.
there’s no rule that says you have to share your birthday cake, you can just blow out the candles and take that shit home with u
This is true.
if the earth is so flat explain why cats haven’t pushed everything off it yet. you can’t.
Welcome to your 50s. Your brain says “Yes,” but your body says “We need to talk.”
You don’t know awkward and uneasy until you’ve seen the way I hold a cat.
when someone corrects my pronunciation of a word, my brain immediately snaps to how many polite people just nodded and let me sound dumb before
Donald Trump’s chief speechwriter is a random deck from Cards Against Humanity.
My neighbor won’t understand why I hide in my car until she has kids.