Our mailman freaked out when he accidentally saw me naked.
So did all the other people at the post office.
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i don’t want to know what five dentists think about a certain toothpaste, i want to know what they think about EVERYTHING. four out of five dentists recommend kierkegaard
Me: Do you want to hit the steam room after this?
Leonard the shrimp I work out with: *aggressive shrimp noises*
Me: Christ, it’s a joke Leonard. Calm down.
i don’t let my toddler use an ipad but she does get to drive when i’m hungover
The only hot singles in my area are in my wallet
Ate too much salad today so I’m going on an Oreos cleanse tomorrow.
Blimey, it must be getting cold, just seen the postman in trousers.
Uh oh I opened a package of cookies without washing my hands first and for my family’s safety will have to eat the whole thing
If you’ve been a bad parent this year, Santa is putting recorders in your kids’ stockings.
“No, YOU’VE had too much to drink!”
~Me, to this bar stool
Robber: Give me your valuables
Me: *hands him piece of paper*
Robber: What’s this?
Me: My Netflix password.
On 3. Ready? One. Two. Three.
*Both show rock
Again!
*Both show rock
Again!
*Both show rock
Again!
Caveman: This game is stupid.
Jim is short for Jimberly. The short form for James is obviously Jam
Them: You have a debt to society
Me: Well they can get in line
The amount of alcohol I would need to sleep with you would actually kill me.
*checks real estate listings on other planets*
when my boyfriend is home i eat three square meals a day and when he is gone i creep into the kitchen for a handful of dry cereal or a pickle every two hours like a tiny rat in a bodega in bedstuy
Elderly Woman: Excuse me, young man…could you help m-
Me: I have a grandma.
I said I was thinking about you. I left out the part with the wood chipper.
Nobody is more drunk with power than a 6-year-old telling Alexa to do anything.
We got our cats a water fountain. Now they stand around it holding little paper cups and gossiping about us.
[God creating penguins]
I want a bird that doesn’t fly but loves to swim, and make sure you dress it classy AF.
Me: Can I be frank?
Him: This is 2022, you can be whoever you want to be.
Me: Get out.
bro what is going on at twitter
*watches him dance*
*whispers* I’ve made a huge mistake.
SHAKESPEARE: Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
HIM: Sure.
SHAKESPEARE: Oh, wow, didn’t… didn’t think you’d say yes. I actually don’t have anything prepared.
HIM:
SHAKESPEARE:
HIM:
SHAKESPEARE: ur both hot.
People think I’m a hugger, but I’m actually shaking them down for snacks.
chipotle guy: i didn’t charge you for the guac.
me: oh cool thanks man.
chipotle guy: no i’m saying i need your card back.
me:
chipotle guy: so i can charge you.
me:
chipotle guy: for the guac.
The best way to stop uninvited guests from stopping by your home is to always answer the door naked.
Me: Netflix and chill?
Her: sure
Me: bring a pizza and an internet connection and a Netflix password
Her:
Me: and don’t forget the condoms!
Dodo, a bird, an extinct bird
Ray, a pancake from the sea
May, a fly that lives one day
Fox, tells lies on my TV