With the magic of makeup, I go from tired old hag to tired looking old hag with eyeliner.
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FRIEND: Make her the center of attention
ME: Okay
[later at restaurant]
ME: *throws food at next table*
ME: *pointing at date* SHE DID IT
Is it ‘My wife and I’ or ‘Me and my wife’? Anyway, we just robbed a liquor store
The only time that I get sucked in bed is when there’s a mosquito in the room.
[normal life]
ive worn the same shirt everyday for a week
[packing for vacation]
hmmm. i’ll prob change a few times a day so thats…32 shirts
My housemates are convinced our house is haunted.
I’ve lived here over
250 years and haven’t noticed anything strange.
Your child learning to say mommy is when your life begins and ends
So apparently if someone invites you to dinner at their home, it’s impolite to create a negative Yelp review about it the next day.
Why are they giving Lance Armstrong a hard time about doping???… Going to the moon is very scary shit!!!
I feel like true love can be proven by whether you would stay with your partner if they suddenly started wearing a beret all the time
Motherhood is complicated because we’ll share our whole body with our kids, but not our snacks. The Thin Mints are mine, bro.
[taco bell 2am]
*lethally stoned*
me: “nine cheesy crunchy chupacabras”
account balance: $1400
me at wendy’s: show me the square cows
Outdoor heaters, because some people like to do their global warming directly.
If you wash cheese with antibacterial soap, it turns back into milk.
the abolition of the 140 character limit and the advent of threads are responsible for the current state of this website. turned what was mostly cute little quips into constant insufferable bloviating posts like this one
If I was named Edward Normus, I’d use my first name’s initial and my last name as much as I possibly could.
Got to the airport and paid $30 for a coffee and breakfast burrito the size of a Smurf.
*planning family vacation*
Me: So what about camping?
Them: We love camping!
Me: Great! I’ll drop you off on my way to the spa.
Yes, I’ll fight for the last samble of cheese. We all fought for our ”right to party”, remember? The bar is low
Interviewer: “Why should we hire you for our research team?”
Me: “I went to the second page on a Google search once.”
Sperm Can’t Remember Why It Came Into Womb
*holding cardboard sign by intersection*
NOT POOR JUST ON MY WAY TO BREAK DANCING SCHOOL
A new fast-food joint called, Bish Wut U Want. The drive-thru greeting will be, Bish Wut U Want?
When it comes to politics I’m an agnostic. I don’t believe there’s an honest politician nor can I prove that one does not exist.
Here’s a little song I wrote about our child trying to make her own smoothie in the blender it’s called “Yogurt on the Ceiling, Bananas on the Wall” and a one and a two
my wife came home from church and caught me and Gary trying her jeans on again .
i actually have good reason to shoot the messenger. for one, i do NOT like what he’s telling me
[first date]
girl: I bet you’re really cute under those glasses
[removes frames/is instantly obliterated by Cyclops’ optic blast]
I like to imagine that gymnastics competitions are just an elaborate game of ‘the floor is lava’.
My Alexa only responds when I’m shouting.
Welcome to the family, Alexa.