I laughed at Yoda for hiding in a swamp
Then again, he’s the only Jedi to ever die from old age
Maybe he knew what he was doing after all.
You Might Also Like
my dance moves can best be described as “did that dude just try to leap frog?” & “whoa that’s a lot of blood” & “is he still alive?”
My husband told me I was beautiful for the first time tonight
Sure, he was drunk and using a Scooby Doo voice but I’ll take it
[walks in meeting late]
“Sorry I was busy with important-”
SIRI (from pocket): OK here’s what I found on the web for are hot dogs sandwiches
I’ll never forget when I posted about graduating medical school and becoming a doctor, and this girl from my hometown just absolutely publicly humbled me.
Barney: [skipping pebbles across the lake]
Fred: MY DAUGHTER!
Why are all the young female protagonists named Cassie or Lexi or Sammie? I’m going to write a book about an adorkable heroine and call her Bertha.
Thought about doing many things today but that’s as far as I got.
*friend gets divorced Mon*
*friend goes on date Tues**I break up with boyfriend*
*15 years later I casually smile back at a stranger*
I touched a sticky one dollar bill and now I have to chop my hand off.
My husband doesn’t worry about me cheating because he knows I hate everyone.
God: this animal is called a woodchuck
Angel: because it can ch-
God: lmao no
Me: bedtime!
Brain: you’re hungry
M: no I’m not
B: thirsty then
M: nope
B: uhh sad?
M: doing ok
B: you forgot to do that thing
M: nice try
“Shake your money maker”
Me: *bangs head repeatedly against the desk*
*while scrolling Facebook
I’m so glad Congress is going to make Facebook protect my data!
*clicks on “What Harry Potter character is your social security number?”
[me being lowered into my grave]
the grave:
please input the SMS code we texted so we can make sure it’s you
“Oh I’m not very good at that game, but sure, I’ll play with you”
Posting “wow pretty problematic” under every single person’s Spotify wrapped and then responding “it’s not my job to educate you” when they ask what I mean by that.
Egg nog was invented in Germany back in 1816 when Baron Von Heldebrandt reportedly said “Hey guys, let’s get this custard drunk!”
My mom at 25: Married, one kid
Me at 25: Wakes up holding a chicken tender after a night of drinking
Yeah avengers endgame was good but I found out my boyfriend is a movie clapper so at what cost
*me on my deathbed* here, I want you to have my basket of cords.
Just saw Stuart Little hit a kid and keep driving
Sometimes, during the movie previews, I’ll turn to the stranger sitting next to me and whisper, “We should really go see that together.”
I work with a guy from Mexico who doesn’t speak a lot of English. A Canadian goose made a nest by one of the paddock gates and hissed at him while he was putting horses out. He comes back to us after and says, “I do not like the cobra chicken.”
horrifying if literal: the electric slide
CONTRACTOR: *shows up to my house with a paintball gun*
ME: You’re gonna paint my den with that?!
CONTRACTOR: *chewing cigar* You want it done right or done fast?
ME: *Considers* … come in.
Her: OMG! You didn’t feed my cat while I was away?
Me: Do you remember that time you didn’t harvest my crops on FarmVille? Now we’re even.
the Lord of the Rings is mostly a bunch of really old guys walking around telling some 40 year old Hobbits “yeah this place used to be really cool but it sucks now”
If I tell you I will do anything for you, don’t get too excited, because I will also do anything for a slice of pizza.
I once spent some time with my grandson’s second grade class so I think I have a pretty good idea of how government works.