forgive me baja for i have blast
You Might Also Like
villain: ironic that the one who shot you is your English professor!
me *dying*: actually it’s coincidental
v *tearing up*: …you passed
*prospective pet owner interview
Dog (suspicious): Uh huh. And what exactly do you want from me in exchange for this “food” and “shelter”?
It’s bad when the hackers try to return your stolen identity.
how to talk to a woman wearing headphones:
1. be the artist she has currently chosen to listen to through her headphones
When a bite of food falls off your plate… And you just stare at it on the ground like, “We could’ve made each other happy…”
My husband thinks The Bachelor show is fake, they’re all there to be actors, and that it’s total bullshit.
Then he turned to wrestling.
doc: “your dad’s been in a coma for 9 days, we’re running out of ideas”
me: “let me try” [goes to adjust thermostat]
dad: [opens one eye]
inventor of murder: I’m going to make a killing
I appreciate and am so thankful for all law enforcement officers
…until I’m driving.
I looked at bright side once and it gave me the finger.
Freezing bananas before they go bad is a great tip I learned 6 months ago. Now I have a freezer full of bananas
[Morning after wedding]
*dead husband lies on bed*
PRAYING MANTIS: [On phone] Mom *sobs* it happened again
MOM: Ok hurry up and eat his body
.. do you even science?
The funniest thing about being sober is to realize you were so drunk last night you were tweeting all night with a calculator.
*moisturizes hands*
*dies of starvation in the bathroom because I can no longer turn the doorknob*
Ladies, if he:
– doesn’t introduce you to his parents
– never calls you back
– has four feet
– smells like potato chips
– could easily be mistaken for a loaf of breadthat’s my pug, you’re dating my pug
Lifeguard 1: How was your day?
Lifeguard 2: Sad, I saw a bear in lake
1: How is that sad?
2: He could bearly swim!
1:..
2: He ate 3 campers
Apparently just because I have the “mind of a child” I’m not allowed to sit on a Santa’s lap. Also it’s “illegal” to carry a brain around.
“Should we take the kayak or just walk out to the sandbar?” -Row versus wade.
*arriving home as my house burns down*
Firefighter: I’m sorry ma’am. Your boyfriend didn’t make it.
Me: I know. It was built in the 80’s.
ME: hell yeah I’m into Dune 2. Dune 2 others as you’d have them Dune 2 you!
JESUS: *descends from heaven* stop that
The plural of beer is beer, which is very convenient when you are explaining to your wife why you were late coming home from work.
I asked my 13-year-old what time I need to pick her up tonight. She told me to check the practice schedule she already gave me. That’s the kid version of “as per my last email.”
Dinner time:
*opens fridge & stares
*moves to cabinet & stares
*moves back to fridge & lowers standards
Can we skip the sex and go straight to the sandwich?
You’ve won this round supervisor, but accidentally leave your Ok Cupid profile open one more time and you’ll be a transgender time traveler.
Me: I want you to make me a better person
Frankenstein: you barely touch the one you have now
Update my mom has decided that my peanut butter intake is too high so she has hidden all the peanut butter. Little does she know I went to the store and bought more and while I was hiding it I found the other hidden container. Double peanut butter. Game on Amy.
How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it. I’m serious. That Israeli how he does it.