Ate lunch made by a friend who’s a taxidermist. I’m stuffed.
You Might Also Like
Me: Is your friend coming or what?
16yo son: I don’t know. He’s not answering his texts.
Me: Why don’t you call him?
Son: I don’t know what that is.
“You the bomb” “No you the bomb”….- A compliment in America.An argument in the Middle East.
the guy who named Newfoundland really didn’t try at all, did he?
wife: What do you want for dinner?
me: What do you want me to want?
My grandpa used to eat onion sandwiches so yeah he and my grandma slept in separate bedrooms.
Your call is important to us, we’ll interrupt calming music every 30secs for the next 20mins to remind you that your call is important to us
[leaving Whole Foods]
wife: Can you believe we only spent $100?
*bag rips*
*apple falls out*
me:
wife:
me: Well that was a waste of $100
A penguin’s resolutions:
-learn to fly
-slap Todd everytime he says “Cold enough for you?”
-get a girl to let me put her egg between my feet
Date: So what’s your backstory?
Me: Arthritis.
I tried to forge my dad’s signature in first grade. Without knowing cursive. Let’s just say the bank didn’t give me that loan.
This day in history. 1998. Sonny Bono was killed while skiing at Lake Tahoe nothing to do with him trying to leave Scientology nope nothing.
under no circumstances will my brother take the L
I took a spin class and it went amazingly- well, that’s what they TOLD me to say.
911: what’s your emergency?
me: what’s YOUR emergency?
911: *starts crying* omg no one’s ever asked me that before!
me: jk I’ve been stabbed
No thanks, body wraps. If I believed magic would make me thinner, I’d eat a wizard.
She didn’t understand so I took her hands & looked in her eyes & said “I know this is a Starbucks but I just want plain black coffee idiot.”
Geologists are important for our understanding of rocks on Earth and on other planets. So never take them for granite.
God grant me the audacity of my 7 year old who lost a tooth this morning and then asked me if the tooth fairy would give her a tenner because she yanked it out herself.
I don’t got that dog in me. I got that cat in me. Bam knocked your water cup right off the counter. Now I’m gonna take a nap
When people get food poisoning they always tell you it came out both ends. But there’s no need to malign the a** in that scenario, the food was going to come out of there regardless of whether it was poisonous
grampa: no controversial topics this Christmas—
me: it’s not controversial
grampa: don’t start
me: Santa is more powerful than the X-Men
grampa: Phoenix would DESTROY San—
me: SPEED, OMNISCIENCE, FLIGHT—
grampa: HE CAN’T FLY IF SHE WIPES REINDEER FROM EXISTENCE!
hey, teens who listen to classic rock: you were probably conceived to some of your favorite songs.
Facebook is a minefield of mums saying “Can’t believe this handsome boy is starting year 1!” with pictures like this
My Mom keeps warning me about talking to strangers on the Internet.
I’m 34 now Mom. I don’t talk to them. I sleep with them.
“I SWEAR TO GOD, SANTA WILL FLING HIMSELF OVER THIS HOUSE LIKE A SPEED BUMP IF YOU DON’T STOP FIGHTING.”
— Advent door 21
Meet Sugar, she doesn’t like to be ridden. If Sugar is approached with a saddle she lyes down and pretends to be asleep. Sugar refuses to open her eyes until the riders leave.
me: *getting to class really late and hungover* ugh please don’t call on me
student: professor?
me: shit
Police: Cover me
Rookie: ok [pulls out guitar] Every little thing she does is magic
I used to think girls were super nice to each other in bar washrooms until my friend came back from one thinking she should get bangs