The first workout after vacation week reminds you of how many cheeseburgers you had while on vacation
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I only watch the groundhog festivities in hopes that Punxsutawney Phil will maul someone.
*Salesman smashes through window into living room* Evening, folks. Are you in the market for a new window?
During a prostate exam #BadTimesToHighFive
Life Hack: Let your toddler throw Cheez-Its down your heat vents so your house can smell like the home of your dreams
When I become a ghost, Im going to leave messages in blood, but theyre gonna be overwhelmingly positive, like “You’re Doing A Great Job”
Do any ear experts follow me? I clean my ears like once a week and it always looks like someone makes toffee in there. My question is this: is that toffee
When a guy asks me for pics, I send pics of Margaret Thatcher.
give me a pen that doesnt look like a flower before i kill myself, Sheryl.
I’m starting to think the sharks on “Shark Week” eat people just to get on tv.
Just watched a video in which a young lady referred to some shoes from the 90s as “vintage” so you can go ahead and shovel the dirt over me now
ANDY: I clarified your butter.
ME: Ghee! Thanks!
Accidentally got two shots of hand sanitizer so if you need me I’ll be rubbing my hands together for the rest of my life.
Radio Shack would have filed for bankruptcy years ago but they’ve been trying to do it using dial-up internet
Nothing makes you feel more like a genius than answering incorrectly to your kid’s interactive tv show…
Just got my second Covid vax. So now I’m going to need another excuse for why I’m not having sex.
me: i should go to sleep
brain: read every political tweet that’s ever been written. let the rage fuel you. sleep is for the weak
Me: I got bitten on my walk by a Great Dane
Her: My God – imagine if it had been a small child
Me: I could have fought off a small child, Alice
“A computer keyboard has more bacteria than a toilet seat.” I don’t doubt it, given the shit my boss sends us in email.
i like how every TEDtalk ever is just like “organize your time better” and everyone says “revolutionary, thank you”
GUY: Do you want to play fantasy baseball?
ME: Okay, I’m a pitcher with gills
Your Czech is in the mail.
-Mail order brides
Doglike cats are some of the sweetest, most adorable creatures on the planet. Catlike dogs emerged directly from a portal to hell
If you feed me & have the heat on high, I will fall asleep on you. So to have a much more interesting date with me keep me hungry and cold
[shootout]
Cop: I said fire a warning shot
Me: I already did.
Cop: you shot him in the face
Me: warning the others that I’m a very good shot
Here I was walking around having a good day when suddenly my 10yo asks ‘isn’t it weird that out of all the multiverses we live in the one where Spider-Man is a fictional character?’
[planning heist]
leader: the security guard will take his break from 3:15 to 3:30 so that’s when you will-[notices my disapproving expression] what?
me: that’s when I take my break too tho
A Muslim in London just told me Merry Christmas. I smiled and said and Happy Ramadan to you. A beautiful moment of interfaith harmony and a stunning rebuke of Brexit. Then she said but it’s not Ramadan and I said listen granny stop ruining this fake story I need the retweets.
Do you like long lines, mass transit and sweaty white people?
Ask your doctor if a Disney trip is right for you.
“Axe” is not going to help you get girls, unless you spray it in their eyes then quickly chloroform them.
friend: ”how’s life?“
me: ”everything’s on track thanks“the track: