Robert Downey Jr. will always be my hero, not because of Iron Man, but because he broke into someone’s home just to take a nap.
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My husband didn’t have Snapchat so I convinced him to download it “because it will be fun!” and the first request he received was from his ex-girlfriend, so I deleted my husband’s Snapchat bc what grown man needs a stupid Snapchat anyway.
Why cotton swab companies haven’t used “just the tip” as an advertising slogan yet is beyond me.
Are you ok?
– my 6yo watching me put the sheets on her bunk bed.
I liked Metamucil better back when it was called Facebookmucil.
I showed my students that I can say my ABCs backwards and a student shouted “SHE’S A WITCH!” and then I unzipped my jacket and revealed my Hocus Pocus shirt and they all screamed and the universe has never aligned like this for me
Roman 1: you won’t believe how many women I’ve slept with
Roman 2: mmm?
Roman 1: don’t be ridiculous, not that many
Getting schooled in Minecraft by a 6 year old. Looks like someone is about to find out Santa Claus isn’t real.
Damm August got somewhere to be don’t it
My husband said he bought the toupée for me, but then got upset when I put it on. I dont get men.
Me: is the fish fishy?
Waiter: it’s a mild fish.
Me: so it’s mildly fishy?
Waiter, to my husband: is she-
Husband: Yes, she’s always like this.
If you love something set it on fire. If it doesn’t die, you have a dragon.
YOU COULD HAVE HAD “MERRY SIPMAS” OR “HAPPY HOLATTES” ARE YOU KIDDING ME WITH THIS SHIT RN
Me: Sorry I’m late, I was trying to jump my wife’s car for like half an hour.
Boss: Need a new battery?
Me: No, I just think I need better shoes.
It’s bad when the hackers try to return your stolen identity.
My daughter’s boyfriend left his wallet here. I put girls names & numbers in it. Later today I’ll ask my daughter if he has change for a $20
[job interview]
“Tell me about yourself”
*flashback to when I used hand towels mom said are specifically for guests*
I’m a risk taker
I think I’m having a stroke
I’m 25, which means I’m just as far from 10 as I am from 40.
Although, in terms of money and maturity, I’m still way closer to 10.
Don’t cry because it’s over, scowl because you had to participate.
3: Please move
Me: You said that very nicely, but the dog doesn’t speak English
3: Woof Woof
So because my friend helped me move, now I’m expected to go help him move? How is that fair?
“Waitress!”
Waitress: “Sir?”
“Could you check the rest-room? My date has been gone 2 hours. Also, her coat has been stolen”
Me: I don’t remember this mirror being here before
Wife: you’re watching a documentary about warthogs
if we’re gonna be politically correct, the male counterpart to a mermaid is a merbutler
The date was going splendidly until my mom called and we argued over my curfew in front of her.
Scrambled eggs are like regular eggs but their reception is terrible
Me, a millennial, weighing the pros and cons of two homes on Zillow I cannot afford.
i’m gonna start paying to get trapped in an escape room just for an hour of alone time
Me: I can’t come to work, I’m snowed in.
Boss: It hasn’t snowed.
M: It did where I live.
B: We live in the same town.
M: Isolated storm.
B: I live across the street from you.
M: Extremely isolated storm.