Parents be like “i don’t have a favorite child” then use one of your siblings birth dates as a password
You Might Also Like
Imagine the towering achievements in aquatecture if sawfish & hammerhead sharks ever get their shit together
Pretty sure they warned us about this on the Book of Revelations.
At this point, the only thing longer than 2020 is the story which my 7YO is narrating
I introduced my 2yo to Cheerios and now I have to carry a little baggie around wherever we go in case he needs his next fix
Football player: please God, let my team win
God: ok sure, that’s simple enough
Football player on other team: God please let my team win
God: oh no
Fig Newton sounds like the name or a British popstar from the 70s.
godspeed to the man who just told his girlfriend “there’s no need to get so emotional” in the baby clothes section of the supermarket
me when my kids won’t try their food: you might like it
me when my kids want to try my food: you won’t like it
My 8yo niece: I have 6 boyfriends
ME: ok wow, that’s a-
Niece [interrupts]: I hate all of them
Most people don’t put music on for pets when they go out, but here’s me going back in the house to change it cuz the dog only likes Top 40.
the official breakfast of 2021
If you don’t have a crazy neighbor, you are the crazy neighbor.
These flies don’t taste like fruit at all.
before you test me just know there are no toddlers allowed in prison and that sounds really nice to me right about now
Ok, seriously men… You can’t hear yourselves snoring, but the slightest crinkle of a chip bag, and you’re suddenly wide awake?!
What REALLY happens when you build Ikea furniture…
If it takes 13 muscles to smile and 33 to frown, how do we tell if someone’s happy and not just lazy?
Whoever first said “I’m in a pickle” must have had the weirdest day.
what is the opposite of FOMO called? like when you see something you could have gone to and you’re like glad i missed out on that shit
Raising Twins
Twin 1: *looking at an old photo album* Is this me?
Me: I literally have no idea.
teen: we need to have a serious talk about my curfew
me: did I tell you I started a new diet today
teen: *laughs nervously* actually my curfew is fine, totally fine, fine fine
[drunk w/ 2 kittens at a bar]
give me another
“haven’t u had enough?”
i’ll tell u when i’ve had enough!
*bartender hands me another kitten*
Humans in sci-fi: Stupid artificial beings LOL. They don’t have FEELINGS, so you can treat them like SHIT
Humans in real life: I put googly eyes on my toaster. His name is James now, and I will protect him with my LIFE
[Hillbilly court]
Judge: Yer charged with theft. What were ya thinkin’?
Gary Ray: My wife wanted a mink stole so that’s what i done did
Normal people flirting: Hey you’re cute we should go out sometime
Me flirting: So do you like bread
Marathon Winner: Finishes a 26-mile marathon in under 2 hours.
Me: Walks up stairs using all fours.
Keep your friends close, and your enemies closer. Marry your enemy. Grow old together. Watch your enemy die.
WIFE: why do we even need a gun in the house
ME: *fires off 8 rounds just to kill a spider* that’s why
The good thing about being tall is, you can’t get lost in a crowd.
The bad thing is, you can’t get lost in a crowd.
ME: You win some, you lose some
WIFE: Where are the kids