I don’t want to work for 5 days a week and figure out what to cook for dinner everyday. I want to lay on a rock in the sun like a lizard.
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Youtube cooking video: and you can add a little of this if you have some lying around
Me: I promise you I do not
My parents were going to name me after the city I was conceived in but neither of them knew how to spell Albuquerque.
Me: “Is this seat taken?”
Him: “There’s an open stall right next to me…and this is the men’s room.”
“Can you get my water, Mom?”
— My child, still in possession of the perfectly healthy legs I spent 9 months growing for him.
I should have grown him some Go Go Gadget arms.
Me: How much for the snake hamster?
Pet Store Clerk: That’s a ferret
Brunos are from Mars, Freddies are from Mercury.
[1994]
dad: are you looking forward to Christmas
me: yes, i cant wait!!
dad: cool *slipping off wedding ring* how’d you like two of them?
WIFE: *filing for divorce*
ME: Are you mad at me?
Adult me is pretty pissed that you can’t learn to dance perfectly in the span of an 80’s montage.
Please stop saying, “not all heroes wear capes.” It is hurting business and times are very hard here at the cape factory lately.
BRAZIL: Can you describe your attacker?
RYAN LOCHTE: You wouldn’t know him. He goes to another Olympics.
#LochteGate
My bladder thinks it knows where I live, but in truth it assumes my toilet is in the street about 100m from the front door.
kidnapper: [on the phone] pay the ransom to get your son back
dad: oh god let me talk to him
kidnapper: very well
dad: son listen money doesn’t grow on trees
what happens if the bachelor chooses to love himself
Headline: World helium shortage over due to discovery of helium field.
Scientist: (high voice) This new supply of helium is a game-changer
[reading horrorscope] “More horror today”. That seems right
once i get some clearasil, it’s over for you blotches
old folks get really mad when you’ve never seen their favorite movies like sorry gramps i dont get the hype for topped gun or casa de blanca
When I was a kid, my siblings and I used to shove each other down the stairs in a laundry basket.
I remind my parents about these things when they try to give unsolicited advice.
Dear neighbor who mows his yard early in the morning tomorrow,
I found my bagpipes for tonight.
Me: God, I’ve been super stressed lately
My skin: would a bunch of pimples help?
Me: Could I plz continue watching the thing I was watching the last time I was on here
Hulu: Sure! ….if you can find it 😏
When did kale arrive? 2007? Must’ve come via spaceship. I had never heard of it in my life. And then suddenly, it was everywhere. It had hearty advocates; & it had many, many detractors. How does a thing, kale, go from not existing to being ubiquitous? Spaceships. Only answer.
I never finish anything. I have a black belt in partial arts.
Villain: We meet again, Mr. Bond
Bond: You don’t remember my 1st name do you
Villain: Sure I do. It’s uh..
Bond: C’mon this is our 3rd fight
9 called to ask how much bleach it takes to get purple ink out of carpet and because she’s so cute and at her dad’s I went with all of it!
nothing is certain but death, taxes, and that if anyone criticizes a billionaire online, a bunch of weird little freaks will emerge from the sewer and jump to his defense for some reason
[job interview]
Interviewer: “Do you have any questions for me?”
Me: “How strong is the wifi signal in the restroom?”
Interviewer:
Today I noticed there is a newish gym right across the street from my office and thought “hey maybe I would work out between meetings” so I googled it. $230 a month. I laughed and laughed and laughed. Enough that it was probably an ab workout.
Just now learning that many Victorian-era radiators had built in cabinets for warming food. Can you imagine heating your house *and* smelling garlic bread at the same time