Had great idea for site for recent law grads called BarelyLegal .com. Turns out name was already taken. And their idea was much better.
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All I’m saying is that there is enough time left of 2020 for some guy to open up a theme park with real dinosaurs that will eventually break free and eat us all.
nothing draws me into a true-crime show more than finding out it’s set in my town
“Omg, I know where that is!!”
math teacher: I said to bring your protractor to class
boy with cowboy hat: I’m just a good old fashioned country boy, I ain’t need nothin fancy, this simple tractor should do the job just fine ma’am
Bartender: What will you have?
Me: Whiskey
BT: Straight?
Me: Except for that one time in college.
BT:
Me:
BT:
Me: How ’bout them Red Sox?
adulthood is a constant struggle between “i deserve a treat” and “there’s food at home”
movies be like: here is a scientist – she is world renowned, she teaches at MIT, she is 24, she is stupid hot.
He was bludgeoned to death with a vacuum. The suspect fled the scene quickly, leaving the victim…
*puts on sunglasses*
In the dust.
My husband and I now have an app that tells us if the garage door is open or closed and this effectively gets rid of 90% of conversation during car rides.
I need a job folding towels that pays $40 an hour.
God: “MOSES. THIS IS THE LORD. I HAVE NEWS FOR YOUR PEOPLE.”
Moses: “New burning bush. Who dis?”
“Bless your heart” is southern for “I’m pretty sure you were dropped on your head as a child.”
I keep my bouncy castle in my basement so I don’t get blown away.
Wife: Have you seen my curling iron?
Me: …umm, are you talking about the hotdog bun warmer?
Wife: …
Me: No, I have not seen it.
These people at the theater are looking at me like they’ve never seen a grown woman hugging a stuffed animal at a scary clown movie before
Me: I ate all the chips.
Wife: What!? For the boys’ lunches!? Well, at least we still have cheeze its.
Me: You’re not going to believe this
HOW COME YOU NEVER HEAR THUNDER AROUND LIGHTNING BUGS?
As a new homeowner, I was excited to learn how to do carpentry, plumbing and electrical work. And now that I’ve destroyed it, does anyone want to buy a house?
My life these days is basically the “before” segment of an infomercial for a revolutionary new mop.
I’d like to make my hangover regret me for once.
*Arrives at airport checkin*
Me: I’ve never been to the rainforest. I’m really excited!
-Ticket please
Me: [Hands her Amazon Gift Card]
If I die before I wake, I pray the lord has ice cream cake.
My wife’s been recovered from COVID for over a month and she still insists that it’s safer for me to sleep on the couch.
If you want your friends to stop asking you to work out with them, go once. Show up in leather. Bring your workout cake.
Me accepting an Oscar: and I’d like to thank the designer who made my beautiful gown: the 5 rats who live in the alley behind my house. Not magical rats that can talk or sing, just a normal regular buncha rats – STOP PLAYING THE MUSIC I’M NOT FINISHED
the pasta portion size at kourtney kardashian’s wedding is the one of the saddest things i’ve ever seen
A zombie apocalypse sounds even worse when you consider all those smoke detectors beeping for battery changes.
*rubs magic lamp, genie appears*
“You get 2 wishes.”
I wish I got 3 wishes.
“Your wish is granted.”
Nice, nice.
“You have 2 left.”
Not everyone was Kung foo fighting
I was just trying to get out of my sports bra
One man. One tuba. A whole public library full of unsuspecting people. And no law enforcement anywhere in sight.
Computer: Hey can I restart for updates?
Me: No, I’m busy.
Computer: Hey it’s tomorrow can I restart for updates?
Me: No
(A week of this later)
Computer: Hey can I restart for updates?
Me: FINE JUST RESTART HURRY UP
Computer: Haha jk I haven’t downloaded them yet 😀