Sounds like a bargain
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Pete Davidson would have stole Helen Of Troy from both those mfs.
If my partner didn’t want me to wear yoga pants because they make me too attractive to other men, I’d respect his wishes and take them off.
I kept getting my shin badly grazed by the pedal of my bike when I was was a kid, that was one vicious cycle.
sisters are so important. how else would my mom find out all the stuff i didn’t want her to know
my doctor: you should snack less, it can really hurt you in the long run
me: *nodding* no more running, got it
[runs inside of a gas station]
“I NEED TO USE YOUR BATHROOM! IT’S AN EMERGENCY!”
*takes a selfie in the bathroom mirror for an IG # game
BANK EMPLOYEE:
*chasing me*
sir! you can’t leave with that!
ME: *running w/ a pen w/ a chain still attached*
I BROUGHT IT WITH ME FROM HOME!
In case you ever worry you spend to much money on dumb things you should know they’re still making Grey’s Anatomy
I bet Lincoln is looking down like “dude, trust me, that is not a bad night in a theater”
The first of Jay-Z’s 99 problems is the obsessive compulsive disorder that requires him to know his precise number of problems at all times.
People on social media: Look at me! Look at what I’m eating! Give me attention!
People in cars: Why would anyone care that I’m about to turn?
Captain Crunch is basically an exfoliator for your mouth
There is nothing more enjoyable than watching a child being chased by a seagull.
Job requirements these days be like:
Looking to hire a caterpillar. Must have ten years experience as a butterfly.
ME: I think I have coronavirus, every morning I wake up aching and sick. It usually goes away by the afternoon, but the next day same thing.
FRIEND: It’s a hangover. You’re drinking 2 bottles of wine a night in quarantine.
ME: My God… wine causes the coronavirus!
whoever you are. wherever you are. bring back our tupperware.
the concept of modeling is insane to me. “buy our clothes. here, check out how they look on someone infinitely more attractive than you, you messy slob”
If you’re just out of school and working at your first adult job you may be wondering, “Is this really all there is to life?” and the answer is no! There’s also back pain
“When I tell you that it’s time to get out of the pool, it means that it’s time to get out of the pool.”
Lately I’ve been really honest with people and so far only 47 people are mad at me
[planning heist]
Me: We’ll need the element of surprise.
Neil deGrasse Tyson: [appears] Actually, such an element does not exist. Hi, I’m Ne
I named my WiFi after my last girlfriend because it’s never fully connected with me. And also because I caught my neighbour using it.
My computer caught a mosquito virus and has malwaria.
My biggest skydiving fear is that the person strapped to my back will try to talk to me
Cop: I have bad news. It’s your son. You need to come down to the mortuary
Mom: But…how?
Cop: Maybe get a cab?
I refuse to check my engine when the light comes on. It will only keep coming on for the attention.
I love the meaningful conversations I have with my son.
“YOU BETTER DIE IN YOUR FORTNITE GAME BECAUSE DINNER IS READY IN 5 MINUTES!”
ME: can u pick me up in ur claws
DRAGON: go AWAY dammit
ME: can u just put me in ur mouth pls—I wanna look out from ur teeth like im in jail
Superman: Cool underwater lair. Can I use the bathroom?
Aquaman: The what?