The best way to tell someone you don’t like them is to text them 370HSSV 0773H and tell them to read it upside down.
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Sure I have my doubts, but Bigfoot doesn’t have any pictures of me either.
Me: Have a good day at school.
Child: Impossible.
Me: What? Why?
Child: Hey dad, have a good day at work.
Me: Oh ok I see what you’re saying.
CRAIGSLIST AD: Wanted – chicken nugget shaped like Rafael. Have 2 Leonardo’s, willing to trade. Serious offers only. No Michaelangelo’s.
16: this guy in gym today said he had a chest infection
Me: did he say if it was it Chestually Transmitted?
16: I’m sorry I tell you anything
Me: he should be refraining from Chestual activity
No, your baby was definitely crying before I dropped it, that’s why I dropped it.
PSA: if it’s warmer than 71 degrees outside and we go to a restaurant, NO. we do not want a table outside. i will literally unfriend you in real life.
Your yearly reminder that if you’re mad at what happens to Emma Thompson in Love Actually you can watch Die Hard after and he gets what he deserves
me, as a child: *walks into the kitchen covered in my own blood holding a rabbit I fought from a hawk*
my mom, on the phone: *mouthing* I’m on the phone
All I’m saying is once your kid passes first grade you can stop spending $$$ on school pictures. Second grade and up always gets their pictures taken after recess.
The moon is in my awful neighbor’s backyard. Girl, he’s the worst. What are you doing?
Me trying on those leggings I bought before the pandemic
Lord of the Rings is about a bunch of straight men fighting over jewelry.
[god creating worms]
WORM: Alright I’m a snake!
GOD: Well, no you—
WORM: I’m a snake hissss. Am I venomous?
GOD: *patting worm’s head* Sure buddy
Me: Is your friend coming or what?
16yo son: I don’t know. He’s not answering his texts.
Me: Why don’t you call him?
Son: I don’t know what that is.
Today my 6yo said it was good it’s snowing, as that means the earth isn’t getting hotter, and tonight she starts as an anchor on Fox News.
your Covid tweet is so 3 variants ago 🙄
god: when i close a window, it opens a door. jesus christ!
jesus: ya dad?
god: you need a new hobby. carpentry’s not workin out.
Like this tweet for a free small sundae at your local participating McDonald’s.
McDonald’s is participating by making sure that the ice cream machine is in pieces when you get there.
My favorite act of vengeance is befriending your dad and convincing him that dread locks would look cool on him.
By iPhone 30, you’ll have a choice. Whether to buy an iPhone or an island in the Caribbean.
The liquor store clerk just wished me Merry Christmas like he’s not going to see me 8 more times before then.
The best part about pooping with the bathroom door open in the morning is being able to see everyones face at Starbucks.
I never make my guests take their shoes off at the door because it takes them longer to get out when I want them to leave.
“Honey, the baby sure is fussy. Why don’t we go see a movie after we goto a nice, quiet restaurant?”
You never say “I love you” back
Tater tots:
Me: Sweetie, I think these wireless headphones you got me are defective.
Wife: Those are earmuffs.
“Everybody cut foot loose” – Russian version of Saw
Guys invented poker as an excuse to stare into each other’s eyes.
Doctor: You have 6 months to live
Me: omg what can I do?
Doctor: Oh lots of things
Me: Phew
Doctor: but only for 6 months
Oi, Sheeran, I just sang my wife “I’m in love with the shape of you” and her response was “and what shape would THAT be?!”. I’m in so much shit. Thanks for nothing, pal