Falling in love with some people is like hearing the theme music from Jaws, but diving in anyway, convinced you can change the shark
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Tired of dating apps. I will now be using a ouija board
Saw a tweet about foods to help your sex life.
I need sex to help my sex life, not food.
2019 stress ball: ●
2020 stress ball: |
Car sex – for when you want risky sex AND improve your twister game
My husband’s really not keen on this whole ‘date night’ thing that married people are supposed to do……
Perhaps next time I should go out with him?
My therapist told me “time heals all wounds”,
So I stabbed him. Now we wait…
Lo AND behold? in this economy?
Not to brag, but I finished an entire book in one sitting. I’m going to need some new crayons.
Quick! Everyone on Facebook is at church! Let’s go steal all their shit!
So my therapist recommended a “digital detox” and I did way better than I thought I would. I only checked Twitter three hundred and twenty seven times today instead of eleventy billion.
[planning heist]
Me: We’ll need the element of surprise.
Neil deGrasse Tyson: [appears] Actually, such an element does not exist. Hi, I’m Ne
If there’s cake in the fridge, the fridge becomes a medicine cabinet.
I don’t make the rules.
If empaths don’t exist then explain how we know so much. For instance I can tell right now that you’re frustrated with me and you think I’m stupid
I made fun of a guy for still having a Nokia phone. He threw it at me and knocked me unconscious.
My daughter has written a homage to the chicken kebab. I am delighted. I wonder how my vegetarian husband feels about this..
If these walls could talk I bet it would be gibberish cause these walls are plastered.
BLACK WIDOW: help I think my husband is dead
911: did u murder him?
BLACK WIDOW: uh
911: ma’am
BLACK WIDOW: *quietly hangs up the phone*
If I were a stormtrooper, I would throw gum in Chewbacca’s fur.
When you go out with a couple on the brink of divorce.
how to market bottled water to dads
Um, hi. How much is the rent for this amazing apartment?
Ma’am, this is the wine aisle of the grocery store.
Look lady, I’m sure your Onlyfans is nice but let’s wait until this funeral is over to talk about it.
6-year-old: Why do cars have cup holders?
Me: For cups.
6: But you can’t drink and drive.
Romeo and Juliet is my favorite story about how when you fall in love, it’s best to just kill yourself.
[1st time eating a lemon] this orange is angry
A truck loaded with Vicks VapoRub overturned on the interstate. Police report there is no congestion in the area.
I’m not helping to save the environment until bears let me ride them around like cars. It’s a group effort, bears.
School crossing signs are bullshit, i’ve literally never seen a kid walking 20 mph
I want you to cuff my hands behind my back.
Not for sex play but to keep my fingers away from the keyboard after reading some of the stupid shit you post.