PRINCIPAL: Your father needs to speak to you urgently
SON: Oh my god what’s wrong
ME: I think your mother gave you my oreo thins by mistake
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[first date]
me [im a goat]: u gonna eat that dress?
date [also a goat]: yes
My niece asked me what it’s like to be an uncle, so we got a feral cat from a shelter, chased it around for a bit, then took it back.
If you had let me finish, yes your baby looks like a disgruntled employee, but I meant of the month.
Lovingly painting a Hitler moustache on my mother with a Sharpie so she’ll only go out if it’s absolutely necessary.
[restaurant]
ME: I think I’ll have the soup
HER: What soup?
ME: Not much, just ordering soup
If you’re wondering who the dumbest person in the world is, I put latte mug of tea in the microwave, but the mug was too tall, so I poured some tea out and tried to put the mug back in.
How did SkyMall go bankrupt? I bought all my wife’s birthday presents there before she left me.
At least something in this house will finally get stuffed tomorrow.
I painted 1 room & then the hallway and room next to it looked kinda shabby and I’m guessing this is how plastic surgery gets out of hand.
For being the most motivated sperm,
Some of us have really tapered off.
Someone: how are you?
Me: thanks, you too.
“Dad, lil bro pooped on the floor!”
Me: Ok, just like we practiced. I’ll hide in garage, you go tell Mommy. This convo never happened! GO!
*sees group of firemen standing around a campfire*
me: hEY leave that little guy alone
You smell amazing. Like a hotdog.
– Me, flirting.
Friend: *sees my new tattoo of dogs kissing* Whoa! Is that permanent?!
Me: Yup.
Friend: Wow. What’s it mean?
Me: It means I can’t remove it.
Hungover this morning, just accidentally flushed my toilet again right after I’d flushed it and found myself apologizing to it, aloud. So I guess quarantine has turned me into a Canadian?
Working on microwave salmon popcorn for people to use on their last day at a job.
Romantically smoking a postcoital cigar from both ends with your lover like in Lady and The Tramp
The brownies I started making in my Easy Bake Oven in 1987 are ready if you guys want one.
A coworker gave me an invitation to her wedding in case you were wondering why this paper airplane I’m making has lace on it.
Why does the dentist have to take an X-ray of my teeth. They right there bro
Me, wet, shrunken, laying in front of the interrupted washing machine, breathlessly clutching a voodoo doll: FOUND IT
Batgirl: I have a riddle for you, Riddler.
Riddler: Oh?
B: Notice anything different about me?
R:
R: *jumps to his death from 46th-floor window*
DOCTOR: [checking chart] it says here that u suffer from delusions of grandeur
ME: [grabbing chart] thanks doctor, I’ll handle it from here
[normally]
my bed has four corners[when putting on a fitted sheet]
my bed has 93 corners
my car is dead & i saw a dead spider under the hood so like, do i need a new spider? i dont know a lot about how cars work
“I’d like one personal pizza please”
Pizza: Your life’s a mess. You should lose 10 pounds. Call your mother.
“Whoa maybe not that personal”
Therapist: Ok one more time. We’re gonna keep our friends close and where do we keep our enemies?
Me: …in the basement?
If dogs ever learn to talk I want everyone to keep in mind that mine is a big fat liar.