me: ok I am gonna get on the roof to fix something
12, concerned: are you sure it will hold you?
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Avril Lavigne and Chad Kroeger’s engagement proves that not only is love blind, it’s also deaf.
My husband wants me to do a dry January which I have no problem with. I’m on my second bottle of chardonnay right now
me: 867-5309… and this is your REAL phone number?
her: yeah, sure
What idiot made dessert forks smaller than dinner forks?
Fired from my job as an autopsy technician for repeatedly asking “are you gonna eat that?” during the procedures.
[séance]
Medium: I feel a male presence coming through
Me: I want to get in touch with my late husband
Medium: His name is Tim?
Me: No, Luke. May I use your phone? He was supposed to be here 20 minutes ago
People think that as your kids get older you have more freedom but if that were true I wouldn’t be standing in the kitchen eating this chocolate bar out of an empty banana peel
Can’t, holding a grudge
The car salesman said my vehicle will seat five people without any problems. How am I suppose to find five people without any problems?
*checks real estate listings on other planets*
I feel for any dog who’s owned by a homeless guy. The poor pooch must be thinking “Where does this guy live, we’ve been walking for 3 years”
Kids are great at pretend play, like how they pretend no one’s home when the doorbell rings haha wait just kidding ain’t no way they’re doin’ that.
Cashier: Next
Me: Why are these fingerless gloves full price?
Cashier: Oh shit it’s you again
“All the single ladies…
All the single ladies…
All the single ladies…”– list of girls who wouldn’t talk to me in high school
coworker is telling us that being a libertarian is based on facts and I’m rubbing dirt between my hands like the beginning of gladiator
The only thing sexier than a girl wearing glasses is a girl wearing only glasses.
I’ve never gone cow tipping. Milk is expensive enough without adding 15%, and the cow would probably just eat the money anyway.
-Wouldn’t it be nice, if we changed who’s the center of attention every 10 minutes, everybody could benefit
-Sir, this is a funeral
her: we should get a labrador
me: idk seems like ppl with those go blind
They say I’m too much of a competitive mom but I think kids need encouragement
I SAID SWEEP THE LEG, LILY!-Ma’am, this is just a bake sale
I hate my job. The work sucks. The people suck. The pay sucks.
*looks up and sees motivational poster on wall*
Well this changes everything
*Takes one earbud out*
*Hears kids fighting*
*Puts earbud back in*
[getting arrested after heist]
Boss: What happened? You were supposed to be on lookout
Me: *flashback to me sending invites on outlook* you’re not gonna believe this
Me: This whole lockdown is making it very hard to find my soulmate.
Husband: I’m sitting right here.
According to the Chinese zodiac, it’s the year of the dog, or “who’s a good year?!”
[Snail Court]
Snail Lawyer: Permission to approach the bench, Your Honor?
Snail Judge: I’m sorry; we don’t have that kind of time.
[ first day as job recruiter ]
me: {on phone} i have a job at a bank for your wife
him: teller?
me: yes that’s why I’m calling
White people don’t dance at concerts so they can save all their energy for the “Woo!” at the end of a song.
if I get married all my bridesmaids are going to be bats