[job interview]
“Any weaknesses?”
I pick fights for no reason
“Can you explain?”
*leans in way too close* Are we gonna have a problem?
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still think about that time in high school when the track team captain printed out a list of people who owed money for team shirts and forgot to pick it up after class. she got called down to the principal’s office because it was titled “People Who Have to Pay”
Me: The car battery is flat
Her: Have you tried the AA?
Me: No, it has to be a car battery
Some days, I wish I had a button to restore myself to my original factory settings
“You know who James Earl Jones looks like? William Shatner. Or Katy Perry.”
– My kid, who has apparently seen none of these people
Shred some cheese for me? Thanks, you’re the gratist
I wonder if clouds ever look down on us and say.. “Hey look! That one is shaped like an idiot!
My 8 year old daughter and my teen son are being sweet to me again, all it took was breaking my arm.
11: He shoots for her coffee. He SCORES! HE’S…
Me: Grounded.
My son ran away again, but it gets worse. He changed the wifi password before he left.
Serious Question: Can I get a moustache by kissing another guy with a moustache?
If my name was Simon I would always talk in the third person when telling someone to do something.
It’s like grandpa always used to say, “even though granny washed them, I could always tell which underwear I wore on Taco Tuesday.”
DISNEY EXEC: So we’re going to remake 101 Dalmatians
ME: *hand shoots up*
EXEC: NOT with velociraptors
ME: *hand drops down*
GUY SPIDER: (after sex) omg I can’t wait to see my son
GIRL SPIDER: *putting on bib* yeah, about that..
If you’re not sure about having kids, have someone say “Mom!” 100 times before 7am & see if it’s right for you.
Dream inside a dream
– inceptionInn inside an inn
– innceptionRe: Re:
– receptionRe: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re:
– email from your gran
What idiot called her a Hot Indian Girl and not a Bomb Bae
“Your present is too big and weirdly shaped to wrap. Oh! What if I buried it in the yard?!” -me, genuinely, earlier today. Wife said no.
I wouldn’t call it ‘passive aggressive’, but I do send the glitter Christmas cards to the people who annoy me.
mark zuckerberg is so rich that if he gets hit in the face with a cream pie, it is not worth his time to clean it off. he just walks around like that all day
Plot twist. When giving birth, women can finally understand how it feels like for a man to have a headache.
God I hate these crossword puzzles
Does anyone know a 3 letter word for “Father”?
We need to drop all our differences and unite against our common enemy: mercury in retrograde
the McDonalds jingle really makes me salivate. I’m Pavlovin’ it.
Q: If everyone jumped off a cliff, would you?
A: I don’t know. If everyone used the same hypothetical question to demonstrate a point, would you?
Me: *calls friend* Traffic isn’t moving, no exits, doesn’t look good.
Friend: You’re being dramatic.
Me: We are building a new society on the shoulder.
F: Seriously?
Me: I’m a huntress now. Hope I can provide for the village. Wish me luck.
I have fired anyone at the company who has asked about the loud crying coming from my office
A younger man said I have a smokin hot body for an older woman…
I’m not sure if I should thank him or put him in a time-out.
Hitman: *rummaging through my house looking for me*
Me, studied abroad:
Hitman: This reminds me of when I was in Barcelona
Me, studied abroad: ACTUALLY I STUDIED ABROAD IN BARTH-