Drinking on vacation is directly related to the weather. If it’s sunny and clear you go outside and drink more. If it’s cool and rainy you stay inside and drink more.
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My Alexa overheard my Roombas talking and, long story short, I now have 114 Roombas in my living room circling their god, Alexa.
My 2-year-old refused to brush her teeth because a towel was in the wrong spot.
I calmly explained to her that the position of the towel didn’t matter and that she needed to brush her teeth no matter what.
Just kidding.
I moved the damn towel.
If possums have taught me anything, it’s how to dramatically play dead when anyone comes over unannounced.
From my 12yr old: “My mama so scary she went into a haunted house and came out with a Job application”
“I just read last year 4,153,237 people got married. I don’t want to start any trouble, but shouldn’t that be an even number?”
Brad Pitt: Doc, did you ever see my movie “Seven” with me and Morgurt Freeman?
Doctor: I think you mean Morgan
Brad: Sorry, Morgurt Morgan
It’s not about the sacrifices you have to make, it’s about making sure your knife is sharp and they can’t wiggle away.
[sees a baby spit up after drinking from baby bottle]
“lmao yo who invited the lightweight”
ALBUS: Got Dementors to protect Hogwarts this year. They suck souls out! Indiscriminately!
KIDS: …
STAFF: …
ALBUS: I can’t control them.
I feel bad for photons that travel 93 million miles from the sun and then have to bounce off your stupid face.
waiter : here’s your bread for the table
table : nom nom nom delicious
Dr: any side effects from that new medicine?
Me plopping myself down onto his lap: it makes me overly affectionate
Got fired by the DMV for giving Stuart Little his driver’s license
He leans in, looks into my eyes, and lowers the lights. I go in for the kiss.
And now I’m being escorted out of the opticians.
Why is the floor squeaking upstairs; does the cat weigh that much? Jeezus I hope the cat weighs that much.
I’m flying to my 30th high school reunion and I think I forgot to turn my stove off and also to be successful
Dad vacation to do list
1. Wake up at 6 AM for no reason
2. Buy a local newspaper
3. Complain about the coffee maker
4. Try to make people feel bad for sleeping in
5. Seafood
6. Call the GPS stupid
7. Organize the fishing stuff again
My 5yo won a toy from the claw machine, so now I’m going to make him buy me a lottery ticket
I have the impulse control of a random number generator.
Him: It’s been like 30 years, I think you should let it go.
Me: It could still happen.
Him:
Me: [to my John Taylor Duran Duran poster] He’s just jealous.
My 5 year plan is to get an amp for my bass. That fish sure does love his energy drinks
I like my messages how I like my nuts – MIXED
For the last time eating highlighters will not give you night vision
It’s happened
I used painters tape to section the family room so each kid stays in their play square…anyone who moves into someone else’s square gets sent to their room
Because apparently using the tape ON the kids is frowned upon 🤷🏻♀️
y’all make fun of men without bed frames but guess who physically can’t have monsters under the bed now, huh?
“The N stands for number – so no need to say ‘PIN number’.
“Terribly sorry, I’ll start again: ‘You’re dead if you don’t give me your PIN’.
Are we doing Secret Santa this year? Because I accidentally bought unsalted butter.
Be the reason someone prefers the company of animals.
Leaving kids home alone now: Keep your phone on at all times, text me every 15 minutes, don’t answer the door or look out the window, only eat soft foods that require minimal chewing…
Leaving kids home alone in the 80s: Don’t use the stove.
[restaurant]
WAITER: [brings bill]
ME: I got this
DATE: Thanks
ME: [gets out piggy bank]
[hits it w/ hammer]
[it is filled w/ bees]
ME: RUN