Are you supposed to wear your Fitbit in the shower? I’m looking to break this thing as quickly as possible and need advice.
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Him: You’re on a diet. Why buy all this candy?
Me: Because the alternative is called stealing.
As the rain pelts down on the window I am simultaneously happy I don’t have to go water the garden and pissed because I just washed the car.
🤦♀️🤦♀️🤦♀️
HER: NNNNNNNN
ME: [gently rolling her onto her side]
HER: ZZZZZZZZ
When it comes to sex, I really need to have a connection.
Otherwise the page just keeps buffering and it takes FOREVER to load.
I’m never more aware of a room’s acoustics than when I’m trying to enjoy a snack I have no intention of sharing.
Nut allergies are proof that trees are taking their revenge after generations of us stealing their young.
Guys, I had to book a flight for my grandma, and according to her passport, she’s born in February, not July, as we have always celebrated. Asked, she said: “Well, you can’t celebrate garden parties in February.”
O_o
Why did the thumbs-up become the universal symbol for approval? “hey let me show u my weirdest finger because i’m down with what ur saying”
My doctor just used a tongue depressor on me so I’m going out for ice cream to cheer the little guy up.
She lied to me. Just like the resealable cheese industry.
My kid got so bored he asked to do chores, so if you need me, I’ll be over here on my fainting couch
Don’t even talk to me until I’ve had my coffee.
*never drinks coffee again*
This is nice.
*Rubs lamp*
*Nothing happens*
Where’s the genie?
*Takes off lampshade*
What’s wrong with this thing?
Parkour is the act of moving through an environment in the fastest way possible. It’s all about speed and efficiency.
Now imagine the opposite of that. The slowest, least efficient way, to get to where you need to go. That’s what happens when my kid says he’s taking a shortcut.
The woman doing my nails said the last person did a terrible job and I should start coming to her instead.
I guess she doesn’t remember me.
I mowed the neighbor’s lawn today. He told me he loved me. “In a purely platonic way.” I told him he was the non-alcoholic grandfather I never had.
This is your brain.
*holds up a brain*
And this is your brain on drugs.
*holds up a brain wearing a weird hat and a scarf*
5 things I hate:
-complainers
-list makers
-hypocrites
-people who don’t finish what they start
I just took the Christmas tree down. Gonna dye Easter eggs this afternoon.
Shout out to the person who had the balls to open the first no kids allowed restaurant
I needed this today. He takes a break. Lol
calling a guy “my ex”
-not true
-but makes it seem like he was my boyfriendcalling a guy “someone i only slept w 4 times over the course of three weeks but spent 6 months crying over”
-true
-but makes me look pathetic
ME: I’VE BEEN SHOT
TAYLOR SWIFT: Aw here are some band aids
ME: THOSE DON’T FIX BULLETHOLES
TS: *picks up guitar* …brb
ME: I’M STILL DYING
The elites don’t want you to know this but the ducks at the park are free you can take them home I have 458 ducks
9: I want a little personal drone that I can fly in.
Me: That would be a plane.
9: No like a drone with the blades on top that I can get in.
Me: So, a helicopter then.
9: No no small like a drone.
Me: …..
sex work?? sure does. there’s over 7 billion of us.
Wife: You were right.
Me: Say it again.
Wife: You were right.
Me: Again.
Wife: You were right.
Me: One more time.
Wife: You wer-*wakes up*
🎵 that’s me in the corner
that’s me drinkin’ hot sprite
trying to catch a pigeon
So, on July 4th, one of the hottest days of the year, we’re all going to sit outside of our air-conditioned homes and cook over a fire?