angel: you died
me: oh no
angel: but at least you lived a good life
me:
angel: helped others
me:
angel: did all u could
me:
angel: *checking clipboard* I’ve got the wrong notes, haven’t I
me: I didn’t wanna interrupt
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Where there’s a pill, there’s a yay.
People who aren’t entombed in 8 feet of snow, what’s it like to live in a tropical paradise?
[doing crossword]
Me: I’m looking for a word that means slight pause
Her: Hiatus?
Me: *erasing ‘our sex life’* thanks
Before you feel flattered that I have a crush on you, please remember that I’ve spent the last hour and a half fantasizing about a sausage, egg, and cheese biscuit.
Superpower: giving evildoers the hiccups, then on day 23, you throw them off a building but by that point they’re just sobbing “thank you”
Her: I just feel so alone
Him: Jesus loves you
Jesus: [awkwardly] Duuude shut up
Chuffed as chips with my new Apple watch!
My husband is taking me to a scenic bridge today so i guess this is goodbye
Me: I saved $2000 remodeling the bathroom [flexes muscles].
Her: Did you add the hospital visit?
Me:
9: The remote isn’t working
me: Did you smack it?
9: Yep
me: Did you push the button down really hard?
9: Yep
me: Well I’m out of ideas
Guy Who Invented the Jet Engine: this will revolutionize the travel industry
Guy Who Really Hates Geese: yeah that too
And the award for Best Actress goes to…*opens envelope*….my 4 year old daughter for her overly-dramatic scene in “Bath Time”.
*watching Goodfellas for the first time* These fellas are morally grey at BEST
11 year old: “I was thinking. What if Alexa gets mad and starts ordering parts from Amazon to build herself a body?”
Me: O_O
A terrible baby shower game idea is called, “Have a man come in and guess which woman at the shower is pregnant.”
A techno song lasted longer
than my first marriage
Do people with insomnia know about Coldplay?
I was born a woman, which came as a tremendous shock to my parents as they’d been expecting a baby.
For $5 I’ll comment on your exes new relationship status saying “you gave me herpes!”
If I fall of this roof cause I’m tweeting, you fuckers have to come and take turns spoon feeding me mash in hospital.
I really only wanna grow old so I can get the senior discount at thrift stores
Me: This swimsuit does nothing to flatter my bust. I feel like an old lady.
Him: Maybe it’s because you use words like “bust.”
Me: Ok. This swimsuit does nothing to flatter my bosom.
The word “beard” comes from an old Latin phrase meaning “sit on my face”
I’m scared some kid is going to break into my house and fleek me to death with a bae
Accidentally told the dog she’s my favorite in front of my kids again
I just realized that there is absolutely nothing stopping me from telling elderly people that I wrote Despacito
Not today.. 😂
*Making friends at the playground*
My 6yo: How old are you?
Other kid: I’m 13. What about you?
6yo: Oh I’m almost 13 – I’m 6.
My 4yo: *casually* I’m 15.
I did the universal sign for “call me” and my tween gave me a confused look and asked “on a banana?”