my favorite genre of twitter
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You should just be thankful for all the things I don’t say.
Saying you like a lot of meat in your taco is received differently on Twitter than it is on Facebook.
I know that now.
I find it odd that when someone dies we refer to them as late, my late Aunt Polly. Aunt Polly isn’t late, she’s not coming.
I don’t know why I would want to “Keep Up” with them…
I don’t even know where Kardashia is.
(geography’s not my strong suit)
Principal: Bob, you’re their Sex Ed teacher. These kids depend on you *slams fists on desk* SO WHY ARE YOU TELLING THEM COOTIES ARENT REAL
Cops have a new radar that lets them see through walls into our homes but imagine if this technology fell into the wrong hands! Oh wait…
If People Rode Dinosaurs Instead of Walked.
mom: are you kids committing seppuku in there
me: [trying to scoop my guts back inside me] NO
mom: ok… no seppuku
waiter: would you like a soup or salad?
clark kent: [laughs nervously] a super salad? i’ll just have a regular salad please
waiter: alri-
clark kent: [loudly] a regular salad for a regular man
HR: Once again – “Judy from the Internet said so” isn’t a valid excuse….
Me: But…
I wish I was 7’9″ so my BMI would be normal
FUN GAME: when someone tells you the name of their new baby, repeat it back to them, with their surname, and say “Like the murderer?!”
So much rainfall recently that Devon is now officially classed as a soup.
They say there’s no such thing as a stupid question but then they’ll go and wake you up to ask if you’re asleep.
Me: You’re supposed to be taking a nap
4-year-old: I am
Me: Then why are you standing here?
4-year-old:
Me:
4-year-old: This is a dream
Took our kids to see Santa tonight at a local restaurant that lured us there with “adult spiked hot chocolate”. My 10 yo saw Santa walk in and go up to the bar “oh no! Santa’s an alcoholic!!” So that went well.
Yeah, but I thought the whole point of twitter was to be stalked.
The word ‘follower’ should be evidence of that
Did you guys hear about the “internet”? Apparently you can say literally anything there
I feel bad that I never predicted anything for the Mayans.
Wife: I just heard something downstairs.
Me: It’s just the wind.
Wife: Go and see.
Me: You can’t see wind, Claire.
TSA agent: I’m sorry we don’t allow liquids over 3.4 ounces
me: ok I’ll finish it here [drenches myself with Axe deodorant]
Can you teach a self-cleaning oven to do the rest of the house?
I probably should stop talking about how dumb my dog is considering he’s been homeschooled his whole life.
Dr: Check his vital signs.
Nurse: He’s got 4G coverage & his battery’s at 60%
I wear a cape because I’m Super Broke
I’ve just used glitter spray paint in a confined space, and now I’m on another planet busting disco moves with an intoxicated pixie.
It absolutely scares me to death that I’M the voice of reason in this house.
If Jesus was a cat we’d have nine Easters.
Texans can’t comprehend vegans. We just think their barbeque grills are broken.
Terrifying if literal: Liquid Plumber