The ones you keep closest to your heart hurt you the most.
Like the underwire in my bra that tried to stab me.
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You: Artfully arranges flowers in vase so the room looks nice
Me: Artfully arranges garbage in trash so the kids don’t see what I threw out
I still remember when “information is power” could be said with a straight face. Thank goodness the internet put that myth to rest.
I feel like movies exaggerate men’s enthusiasm for having meaningful conversations while playing pool.
I learned all my flirting from lizards so I just do a bunch of really fast pushups when I see a cute lizard.
The downside of studying law: you think a lawsuit is the solution to all problems. *resists from threatening Dominos for not giving oregano*
I think it’s obvious that all across America trees are scooping up cats so that they can meet good looking firefighters
inventor of oreos: in the center is yummy cream
nabisco: and the outside?
inventor: absolute garbage
nabisco: stop i love it
The little kids behind us as we fly into Hawaii:
“Do we get to land in the ocean?”
“I’m going to miss that tiny toilet.”
“I thought we were going to Mexico.”
if it smells like bullshit & looks like bullshit, it probably is bullshit. Putting sugar on it doesn’t make it a brownie.
Me: I don’t know what to do on my date
Friend: show her some local culture[later]
Date: hi
Me: *holds out hands* look at this yogurt
[at family gathering]
Me: *shoving jumbo shrimp in my mouth*
Mom: Where are your manners?
Me: *points over at sister* She has them.
My husband sneezed and now everyone on Nextdoor is asking what that loud noise was.
All I’m saying is if you’ve ever seen me put patio furniture covers on, you’d NEVER ask me to put a condom on.
Me: *unfreezes cro-magnon woman I uncover on an arctic expedition*
Cro-magnon woman: “I have a boyfriend.”
Waiter: May I recommend the steak?
Dracula: You may not
If you breed Catdog with a catfish, you have a 25% chance of getting a pure cat.
oh you don’t want my dog to bark at you? then why would you stand calmly within a 2 mile radius of my house
Facebook: Do you know this person?
Me: Yes!
Facebook: Do you want to connect?
Me: Absolutely not.
Me: I think my computer’s broken
Boss: just give it to the IT guy
Me: okay *walks outside and tosses my laptop into the sewer* good luck
My cat likes to trampoline on my bladder if I don’t feed him. He knows just the spot that will get me leaping out of bed at 5 or 6 am.
Tonight we’re cooking together, period. I’ll serve the cereal, you pour the milk
[shark tank]
ME: my idea is a length of leather with the entire bible text etched onto it—I call it the saving strap
HOST: have you considered the bible belt
ME: yes we predict good sales there
if you don’t respond to my email when i am alive don’t expect me to reply to your ouija board questions when i am dead.
24 astronauts were born in Ohio. What is about your state that makes people want to flee the Earth?
you idiots are out here getting your wisdom teeth removed. me? i am having more added. where did you think yours were going? that’s right, my mouth. i have 107 wisdom teeth now. my wisdom has never been higher. i am realizing for the first time that this was not a good idea
I got run over by a bus once but yes yes you’re right, there’s nothing worse than a paper cut!
[When your mom calls you by your full name]
Mom: Scoobert Doobert!
Scooby: Ruh roh
[polygraph test]
Tester: Have you ever committed a crime?
Me: Committed, or been caught?
Tester: …
Me: That was just a joke. Many people consider me quite witty.
*needle goes crazy*
microdosing lsd to gain a creative advantage at my job as a subway sandwich artist
What idiot called it grand larceny and not klepto currency