Pillsbury DoughBoy: I don’t ask for much in a relationship. I just want to feel kneaded
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Are you watching too much T.V but not doing enough reading? Turn your subtitles on. Boom, problem solved!
Got my blood test results back today, and it’s just as I had feared 🙁
My body is filled with a lot of blood!
11yo: What are you doing?
me: shhh. Mommy’s napping.
11yo: On the treadmill?
Don’t call me a pessimist. Call me a cynic. A cynic sounds smarter.
girls don’t like boys who are punctual..
once this girl dumped me because i came early
Still far too much of my kitchen cupboard space is taken up by ingredients that I needed 5g of for a recipe that I made once 9 years ago, which tasted awful.
Always give 100%
unless you’re donating blood.
The most important part of living undetected in someone’s attic is to have fun and be yourself
Surround yourself with people who will groom your eyebrows should you ever become comatose
A mattress will double in weight after six years, just like everything else I sleep with!
my internet boyfriend is cheating on me with my other internet boyfriend
Him: Take them off. All of them.
*slowly unbuttons 50 cardigans
OTHER BOY: why are we all here anyway
ME: I think it’s for the milkshakes
LACTOSE INTOLERANT BOY IN THE YARD: oh no
Me: I don’t believe the world is round…
Flat Earthers: *getting visibly excited*
Me: …because it’s actually an oblate spheroid
Flat Earthers: Is that…how flat is that
My 3-year-old stubbed his toe and then cried and screamed I’M DYING,” so I silently looked at my husband and he sighed and said, “I know. He got that from me.”
Real girls have curves. A real girl is just one long, continuous curve. Do not date girl unless she is a parabola.
Having a dark sense of humor is great, until you make a joke in front the wrong crowd and get looked at like you just killed their cat.
You can tell how much a woman hates her husband by how short she cuts her hair.
my coworker told me she caught a cold from me that i faked
Travel tip: If you’re gonna have a double Bloody Mary at the airport, remember to bring $17,000.
[texting]
So what’s your name?
“ily”
omg this is moving too fast.
ILY: (yelling) IT’S HAPPENING AGAIN MOM, WHY DID YOU NAME ME THAT?
Once again not all heroes wear capes
if you ever feel useless, remember someone made a protective cover for Nokia 3310
I miss being a baby and having milestones. No one cares if you’re an adult and can lift your head or roll over on a blanket.
people don’t get a second dog. they get their dog a dog
Me: Phone a friend
Judge: That’s not how this works
Gen X kids never wanted to come home. Modern teenagers never want to leave the house.
Gen X parents of teens are basically feral dogs raising housecats.
There are 7 air fresheners and only 1 soap dispenser in my office bathroom. Make of that what you will