This entire pizza told me thigh gaps are for queers.
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Wile E. Coyote’s Amazon reviews of Acme products are pretty scathing.
“Nailed it.”
-inventor of crucifixion
Accepting donations for my opossum’s quinceanera.
I can’t afford a vacation. So I’m just going to drink until I don’t know where I am.
Me: it’s about the journey not the destination
Patient: [bleeding out] I want a different ambulance driver
Went out to eat at a new place last night
Saw a couple friends I hadn’t seen in so long, I almost didn’t recognize them.
Slapped one guy on the back shook the other one’s hand and realized the reason I barely recognized them is because it wasn’t them.
My wife is still laughing
Nothing in this life is certain, except death and taxes.
And stepping in water if you’re wearing socks.
Flipping TV channels and seeing The Good Doctor and The Good Wife. I wonder…who’s been Bad?
Due to rising prices, Dollar Tree is changing their name to ‘Tree Fiddy’.
Started lifting weights in 2010 when I did my first set of 10 bicep curls. Supposed to take breaks between sets so maybe sometime I’ll get around to the second set.
My son walked into the kitchen and said I bet you don’t know what 47 divided by by 4 is and when I told him 11 remainder 3 he said thanks and walked back to the room he was doing his homework in. It was a smooth transition. But now I understand the play and it won’t happen again.
ZOMBIE: *squishing brains through fingers* got your knows
Leia: I love you.
Han: I know.
[gets frozen in carbonite]
[two years pass]
[gets unfrozen]
Leia: WHAT THE HELL DO YOU MEAN “I KNOW?!”
my dad didn’t let me date untill i was pregnant…
Comments other people make during a movie are annoying.
Comments I make during a movie enhance the experience.
i’d give up everything to be a small anthropomorphic woodland animal wearing victorian clothes living in a little house in a meadow and my neighbour is a goose wearing a bonnet and my only worry is will my apple pie be ready for when mrs owl comes visit me for tea time
I’m 99% sure the plane Harrison Ford was in is from the Amelia Earhart exhibit at the Smithsonian.
So apparently “mind how you go” isn’t a universally used phrase. We’ve always said it in our family (especially in Ireland). My girlfriend’s parents looked at me like I was speaking Welsh when I said it.
My toddler just spent five minutes explaining that he can’t use his imagination because he traded it to a kid at daycare for some fruit snacks. Ok, bro.
Welcome to your 50s. Your brain says “Yes,” but your body says “We need to talk.”
I did NOT need to see this today!!!!
I don’t eat some foods.
-vagueans
Grown men who drink hot chocolate in coffee shops.
Who hurt you?
Not sure who graded these eggs as Extra-Large, but I’m guessing it was a guy.
Where on my donor card do I indicate that my organs are not to be used to save anyone who pronounces it “eck-cetera?”
“There are hot Shingles in your area”
– My Doctor
Who called it a condom and not a weenie beanie?
Sometimes, when I’m washing my hair with coconut shampoo, I close my eyes and picture being on a remote tropical island, being cooked in a giant pot by canibals.
the worst part of getting fired from the unemployment office is still having to go in the next day
I may eat animals, but at least I wait until they’re DEAD.
Plants are ALIVE, vegans.
You disgust me.