Next time someone says “I’m a hugger” and tries to hug me I’m gonna say “I’m a puncher” and see how it goes.
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I became a journalist because I can’t do math. I was told there would be no math.
God: you’ll protect your kids by carrying them 3,000 miles to keep them warm
Penguin: got it
God: you get pouches to keep ‘em safe & so they never get lost
Kangaroo: Love it
God: when they get too big just throw them out & hope for the best
Bird: wait, what?
I love how Hasbro’s Ouija Board sets the bar at 8 years old for communing with the dead.
“So it’s agreed? If we’re both single at age 40 we’re doing this?”
Yes. If we’re alone at 40, we’re getting matching racecar beds
when santa breaks into homes to take food it’s festive but when i do it it’s a crime??
I’ve requested to be buried in a spring loaded casket filled with confetti so that a future archeologist will have one awesome day at work.
Modern Way to Name Babies:
1. Pick 2-3 names
2. Chop each
3. Blend together
4. Mix in the letter Y
5. Allow time for mixture to settleCongratulations on your child McKimberlynn.
[surprising my bf at work]
Me: Hey you *wink*
Him: *stops putting out cheese samples* We’ve been over this, lady, either buy something or leave
I know this is only our second date, Susan, and maybe I’m moving too fast, but I’d like permission to rename your cat.
I got really excited when she talked about a motorboat date, but as it turns out, she just wanted to take a ride on the lake. *sigh*
The evolutionary process has created crabs five independent times throughout the course of history. Humans are not the pinnacle of evolution. Evolution wants crabs.
Just spilled water on my laptop so now I’m hanging it out on the clothesline.
replaced my gf’s couch with a trampoline and man she hit the roof
manning had to write 500 words about thomas edison, he got his 500 word count pretty quickly: When Thomas Edison was 12 Thomas Edison convinced Thomas Edison’s parents to let Thomas Edison start selling newspapers. (the entire paper is like this!!)
Wow bro, that pot leaf tattoo on your neck really makes the colors of your Burger King uniform pop.
wordle is a big pharma conspiracy to sell us more ibuprofen
me: yeah I’m a writer I’ve been published online
uber driver: oh cool me too
fly splatting on windscreen: same
Sure, sex is great, but have you ever shoved a bunch of pots and pans in the cabinet and shut the door real quick for the next person to deal with?
I gave my cat a middle name today, so she knows when she is really in trouble.
If your wife says “take out the trash” do not reply with “you cooked it you take it out.”
The best part of being a flight attendant has to be when you walk the aisle saying “trash” to everyone’s face.
my phone:
🍎 APPLE PAY: RECURRING TRANSACTION COMPLETE
$15.35me, smiling serenely, closing my phone: “wonder what that’s for :)”
the hulk is green because he’s not ripe yet
That earthquake could have been an email.
“What would you say is your greatest weakness?”
Probably my tendency to stalk and murder people who won’t hire me.
Espresso Patronum!
– Me warding off morning people
*LIGHTHOUSE*
BATMAN – You call?
L/HOUSE KEEPER – Shit, not again man. I am so sorry.
BATMAN – Dead seagull on the light?
LK -*Nods*
*wakes up the guy next to me* wow theres a sleepy boy here on this plane haha. Im on business myself. tryin to see if iceland is made of ice
Retweeting a woman is basically saying “that’s what she said”
My wife put toilet paper on automatic purchase and delivery from Amazon so we never run out.
Challenge accepted!