haven’t gone back to the gym since i kept using my phone and someone asked me if it’s fingers day
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squirrel: *points gun*
me: what do you want me to do?
squirrel: *gestures at sign*
me: alright, i get it *opens book drop*
squirrel: *makes hurry-up motion*
me: NOT A SQUIRREL!
[car dealership]
“Why is some guy out there screaming insults at all the vehicles?”*Sees sign PRE-OWNED CARS*
“Oh.”
Mary has her cakes…
Sandra has her cookies…
Nooooooooo!!!
🌴🌿🪸🍀🌳
The nine most terrifying words in the English language are: I’m from the government and my name is Dracula
I’ve never seen anyone go through drug withdrawals, but I once hid my son’s iPad for 10 minutes.
My kid just made me google the various answer percentages to cheat a Harry Potter Sorting Hat quiz so she’d get Slytherin- which I guess qualifies her.
My youngest son hid a Ziploc bag of Froot Loops in his pajama drawer so that he wouldn’t miss out on the “good cereal” if he woke up late tomorrow, in case you wondered what growing up in a big family is like.
Teachers call it “Going to the bathroom”. We call it “I’m bored, I’m gonna go wander around school.”
[battle]
ME: It’s no good. We gotta quit
SARGE: Quit? I don’t know the meaning of the word
M: It means give up
S: Oh cool. Lets do that
Online dating is like having your option to date anyone inside of a Walmart
I pronounce LMAO as “Le Mayo”
-My cat will ONLY drink from a slightly running faucet and she rubs her gums along the side of it.That’s the faucet I brush my teeth from. So basically I’ve made out with my cat.
Therapist: [Puts her pen down. Rubs the bridge of her nose]
Baby showers are fun until someone has too much champagne and starts a plastic knife fight over a corner piece of cake.
I need a ride home.
[dragging a corpse to the shed]
NEIGHBOR: putting away the halloween decorations?
ME: decorations?
My husband and I ran out of toothpaste a month ago and neither of us said anything out loud but we’re both waiting on the other to buy more. The silver lining is we are finally making a dent in 15 years of travel-sized toothpaste containers from the dentist.
[before kids]
“Man, I’m going to be such a chill parent”
[3 years in]
“IF YOU DON’T SWALLOW THAT MILK BY THE TIME I COUNT TO THREE…”
multitasking lunch
(scientists naming weird spiny thing in a bush)
Scientist 1: This thing sucks
Scientist 2: Yeah!
S1: It’s hogging all the hedges!
S2: Wait.
Pandora has spoiled me. Five seconds into any conversation and I’m looking for the thumbs-down button.
Family means eating together at a buffet and everyone calling dibs on the toilet during the ride home.
1st kid: *makes own baby food from organically grown fruits and veggies fresh from the garden*
4th kid: *throws can of spaghetti-O’s in a blender*
They make SAVORY soup now? No more dessert soup for me!
I’m not sure what everyone at my coworking space does for work, but I’m pretty sure one guy’s job is chewing.
The number of supermarket loyalty cards I have suggests I am anything but.
“I’m too important too attend the training on the new system. When I need to get in it you can walk me through it each time”
~Management
My 5yo just told me all about one of his favorite classes: cafeteria
[Deletes duplicate memes on my phone]
“Weigh me now”.
[3am]
WIFE: *nudging my shoulder* I can’t sleep, do you wanna…
ME: *suddenly awake*
WIFE: …teach me calculus?
ME: We begin, as we must, with the concept of a derivative