Asking your mom, “Will there be any pretty girls coming?”
Is a good way of getting out of going to your family reunion..
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Searching twitter for the account of the bee that just stung me so I can pull up some of it’s old questionable tweets
“You need to chill out, you’ve yelled at everything that isn’t a snack.”
–my 10 year old
Fact: Children can hear at a higher frequency than adults.
How no one has developed an effective child-repellant yet is beyond me.
Hitting someone with overdraft fees is like whipping a footless man because he’s not running fast enough.
Traveling with kids is just paying to use bathrooms somewhere else
[about to post]
Social Media Police: Is it reliable
Me: Yes
SMP: Source?
M: I heard it from a friend who heard it from a friend
SMP: Proceed
Her: See ya later alligator!
Me: *slithers into swamp*
[puts baby in highchair]
Ohhh HIGH chair, I get it. That explains why all you do is eat, sleep & drool you stupid little stoner.
airbnb implies earthbnb, firebnb, and waterbnb
I just want to be half as productive as my mom thinks she would be if she was me.
I just texted a friend a super hilarious meme and all he did was give it a thumbs up. I’ve never been more angry.
There’s way too much blood in my alcohol system today
I want to be cremated so that I will get a smoking hot body again
“I’d like you to meet my half sister.”
“Different fathers?”
“Shark attack.”
Who named it “Viagra” …..
and not “Miracle Grow” ?
Cashier: I love your lip gloss!
Me: Thanks, it’s food court teriyaki chicken glaze.
If I were to give myself the award for being the laziest person on Earth, I’ll do it tomorrow.
#LazyProcrastinator #procrastination
kale is so versatile, it can literally fit into any trash can
WHY DOES THIS DENTAL FLOSS REFUSE TO LET ME TOSS IT INTO THE BATHROOM TRASH CAN?
My wife finished her shampoo and conditioner at the same time and now I’m worried I married a witch
[christmas break with my extended family]
*me in Oprah voice* YOU NEED A THERAPIST AND YOU NEED A THERAPIST! EVERYBODY NEEDS A THERAPIST!
I was bitten by a mosquito, then saw it land and get stuck in sap… so I guess what I’m saying is, there are going to be some disheartened geneticists when they accidentally clone me instead of a dinosaur
I put my slacks on just like everyone else, from a waterslide into the loving yet frighteningly powerful arms of my pet minotaur Ferdinand
What I try to explain you, is that I do know you have very good big cups in this nice coffee shop, but I’m emotionally attached to this bucket, could you fill it up with your excellent coffee, please
Thanksgiving implies that we spend 99.7% of the year ungrateful…
…speaking for my kids, this checks out.
Her: Hey, what does this dress say to you?
*Whirls Around*
Me: I’m not in the mood to listen to your clothes right now, I’m drinking!!
Sometimes my memory is not quite as good as my forgettery.
What genius called it road rage and not locomotive?
You know it’s a BBQ type holiday weekend when there are a thousand people in the spice aisle at the grocery store just staring at the spices
I painted a banner for our annual family picnic, but my Mom thought “Celebrating 100 Years of Undiagnosed Mental Illness” was inappropriate.