Even after seeing all of the Jurassic Park movies I still feel like a dinosaur theme park sounds like a really good idea
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I learned all my flirting from lizards so I just do a bunch of really fast pushups when I see a cute lizard.
I would rather weave a suit out of my grandfather’s pubic hair than “pull an all-nighter” with you.
Home Alone (1990)
A know-it-all, suburban elitist cruelly humiliates two economically anxious men, seeking to improve their lives
“When does he start playing the mandolin?”
– me, watching The Mandalorian
I enjoy the outdoors when it stays outdoors.
Went to my bosses funeral this weekend. I leaned over and whispered in his ear.
“who’s thinking outside the box now Gary.”
Science can’t explain it, but some hairs can grow up to a quarter inch overnight. Never in a good spot though
I’m the cutest thing since sliced kittens.
I’ve eaten about half a case of Skinny Pop this morning. How long does it take to start working?
[meets a cute girl from Scotland]
“Ummm hi your people make fantastic tape”
He asked me to do something freaky in the bedroom so I stayed awake for two days
I was driving home the other day, when suddenly a group of robbers jumped in and stole everything. They were pirates of the car I be in.
You don’t know humility until your Ouija board gets snippy with you.
I’ve got 11 lava lamps and every time a girl comes back to my place, she leaves almost immediately. I need more. 14 lava lamps.
My girlfriend told me I was getting sex today. Oops. I better not jinx it.
*knocks on morning wood*
If you ever think you see Dean Koontz, start chanting koontz-koontz-koontz over and over so if it isn’t him it’ll just look like you’re really into techno and public humiliation.
The little notes taped everywhere in your Airbnb:
Keep porch light off after 11:00pm.
Don’t use bathroom outlet for hairdryer. Breaker will trip.
If you hear a child crying in old pantry, don’t open the door. It’s not a child, DON’T OPEN THE DOOR.
It’s funny how Gina who cheated on me in 9th grade because I was “too much of a prude” is now a Catholic school teacher.
[at the doctors]
me: *opens wide and goes ahh*
proctologist: how the hell r u doing that?
Just tried to parallel park. 5 people are injured, 3 critical, 6 missing. The casualties continue to mount
One venti cheeseburger please.
Me: I’ll definitely do it tomorrow.
Morgan Freeman: He wouldn’t.
Me: *chasing Morgan out of my house with broom* Why are you here again?
Headline: World helium shortage over due to discovery of helium field.
Scientist: (high voice) This new supply of helium is a game-changer
No, Store Security Guy, I’m not stealing anything
I just don’t know how to be in public anymore
Want air conditioning on the shuttle bus? Open a window, Your Majesty.
Free will is good, but free pizza is better.
[on the playground]
mom: go play with that little boy honey, he’s got a race car
3-year-old shania twain: mommy that don’t impwessa me much
Probably one of the hardest things for Pinocchio to pull off was complimenting his friend’s experimental theater piece.
a thing that’s important in friendship is seeing something weird, taking a picture of it, then sending it to them and saying “that’s you”
A travel of a thousand miles starts with a solo government-charged full-body cavity search at the airport.