Question. How much fire is too much fire for your house to be on.
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every day new twt alternatives pop up and then i look away for an hour and everyone is like btw krungle steals from artists for ai and btw ive already deleted my fringle account for reasons obvious cause youre out of the loop but dont sign up cause that also deletes your quorble
Welcome to your 40’s. Each year, you need to hold your phone another inch farther from your face.
If someone invites you to their large country house with lands, say thanks.
Because manors.
Wookiees don’t smoke, they chewbacca.
Screech up to a yard sale. Ask if they have any haunted amulets. Yell at the dog in your backseat, “I’m GETTING the spell reversed, Greg!”
Not to brag, but my antics at work resulted in several items being added to the employee manual.
*lawyer pops out of cake with divorce papers & pen in hand
Kid: He is the baddest person in the whole world
Me: Baddest isn’t a word, u can say worst
Kid: What is worst
Me: It means very bad
Kid: How bad
Me:
Kid:
Me: Baddest
My wife agreed to a water birth, so I’m setting up a slip’n slide in the front yard right now. I’m gonna wait at the end & catch him.
Coworker: I didn’t know you dip.
Me: *Puting a pinch of shredded cheese in my lip like chewing tabacco* Ugh, no. What a disgusting habit.
*burglar breaks in*
*i reach into my nightstand drawer, get my phone, & take his picture*
Burglar: No I have a double chin!
Me: I’ll post it
When a stranger changes in front of you, they’re either interested or you’re friend zoned.
It’s hard to tell from this tree.
Sorry for shouting “go go gadget personality” while you were speaking. Please, continue.
I have snuck past my husband’s work video meetings enough times to know I would make a terrible ninja.
Being a parent to a preteen daughter is fun bc sometimes they’re mad at you for not letting them get a phone but other times they’re even more mad at you for not…[checks notes]…letting them get a pet venomous snake
Doctor [looking over my test results]: I don’t know how to say this…
Me: Don’t be embarrassed. Just sound it out using the letters and try your best
Never let kids google names of Pokémon characters unsupervised, Squirtle in particular
I’d be a terrible surgeon because my hands shake, and also because I didn’t go to medical school of any kind.
I asked my son how his first full day went and he described in detail a bug he saw at recess and revealed no further information
Establish dominance by jumping into a cake.
My wife asked me: “What’s the most risky, dangerous food you’ve ever eaten.”
Me: “wedding cake”.
Detective slams his hands flat on the table:
You need to tell us what you know!Me: I don’t gossip.
Cows are looking at us hoarding toilet paper and thinking that we must all have Mad Human Disease.
I’m sorry but when you call me ‘batshit crazy’ it’s almost starting to sound like you think it’s a bad thing!
I went for a long walk yesterday and my pants are still tight today. This is not how exercise is supposed to work.
My five year old keeps saying creditor when he means predator, and I can’t bring myself to correct him because tbh it works.
My hobbies include knitting and leaving one star reviews on recipes when I used different ingredients and different techniqes and it turned out gross.
My 3yo wakes me up way too early each morning by singing.
So this morning, I woke up early, went into his room and started singing to show him how much it sucks.
Then we had a duet and my point was missed.
cop: where were u between 7 and 8
me: third grade? idk
Next time a stranger talks to me when I’m alone, I will look at them shocked and whisper “You can see me?”..