Happy Father’s day to all the dads out there trying to keep the front door closed so u don’t AIR CONDITION THE WHOLE NEIGHBORHOOD. COME ON
You Might Also Like
😂🤣😂🤣
me: slip out of that little red thing you’re wearing
*unwraps Babybel*
[pokes your baby with a stick]
what’s it do?
13: so I’ll only have this asthma for a little bit?
Me: yes
13: so this is like, Limited Edition Asthma?
Me: ☠️☠️☠️ 😂 SEASONAL it’s seasonal asthma
My wife has politely asked all of you to stop being so interesting and not-so-politely asked me to load the F’n dishwasher.
I put the hummingbird feeder by the other bird feeders so the hummingbirds are forced to learn some social skills.
Accidentally said goodbye to the voice at the drive thru order window and they answered “nah I’ll see you in a sec” no chill
Americans: Iran and Iraq are countries, not Apple products, so say their names properly.
The chick at this circus just swallowed a sword and I saw a guy elbow his woman like “see?…”
“Remember that man you met for 5 seconds when you were 2 months old? Let me catch you up on his medical history”
-my relatives
Allegedly naked and not afraid to dance in front of a large crowd.
Unrelated: Ambien is not candy.
her: what are you watching?
me: film about misconceptions of ownership and land rights of wetlands under an absolute monarchy
her:
me:
her: are you describing sh—
me: yeah it’s shrek again
[God creating me]
And then we sprinkle in just a touch of anxiety
[the lid pops off and the whole jar spills in]
[God shrugs] He’ll be fine
Spider-man never tweets via iPhone. He’s a web kinda guy.
There are poor, helpless kids in Africa who really need our help. But there’s also kids with machine guns so I’m not going.
😂😂😂😂😆😆😆🤗🤗😂😂
1) Pull black socks to knees 2) Wear sandals 3) Wear Magnum PI shorts 4) Make ball sack slightly visible
-Grandpa’s guide to lawn mowing
ME: I’m so nervous. It’s my first day on the job. I definitely fibbed on my qualifications to get this job. Hope I can figure it out before I mess up.
CO-PILOT: …What?
[out in public]
Me: A kid is crying.
Wife: It’s not one of ours.
[we fist bump]
*Runs into bank with gun*
Alright! Everyone put your hands up!
*Tickles everyone*
These eyebrows are not my children but I will certainly raise them
I constantly lose my phone so it’s really up to you if you want to play ‘shes ignoring me or her phone is in the fridge’
Me: Birds are SO SMART, they fly in formation to conserve energy.
Birds: Look at this idiot, shit on him.
incredible
Just saw a woman, covered in red paint, running and screaming from an abandoned country house, LOL good prank.
My husband just said, “I have a game I think you’d be interested in that I bet you haven’t heard of…
It’s called Wordle”
My kids don’t drive me to drink. Can’t wait until they get their license and they can though.
My parents moved a lot when I was younger.
My sister and I always managed to track them down though.
You sneeze, and a tiny book titled “A spiders guide to navigating the human brain” shoots out your nose. You faintly hear a spider cussing.
ME: [staring off into distance]
HER: what’s wrong?
M: nothing
H: talk to me
M: it’s just…that bus in Speed would’ve never made that jump