I’m doing the lords work (judging)
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“I want to feel like chewbaca, but only from the shins down.”
-women wearing uggs
i’ve been kidnapped and quickly released easily 6 dozen times
I left my kids with a list of things for them to do today because apparently I like to be optimistic & disappointed at the same time.
I said NO, Steve! It’s a terrible idea. We’ll never get away with it…
I stopped seeing my therapist. All of my appointments were really disrupting my day drinking.
Every time a house is evil, a disaster, and full of demons in a movie we find out someone used a Ouija board so anyway guess when I’m saying is at what point did America use a ouija board
CURRENT MOOD: righteously angry, but there’s a cat on my lap
o: I want a tail
GENIE: ok
α: longer
GENIE: sure
q: LONGER
GENIE: dude
@: perfect
Threads is like Adibas trainers or a Bolex watch
To the driver of the truck with the ENVYME vanity plate who took up two spaces and left me nowhere to park: Why would I envy someone with four freshly deflated tires?
I keep getting a message that “Twitter is having issues”
Good job guys…we drove twitter crazy!
Do not play Yahtzee with squirrels
Star Wars spoiler:
Leia is Han’s father
The first time God made the universe, he skipped leg day. All men were weeping creatures, who ended in bloody torsos and begged for death.
[11 has been working on his homework for 1 hour]
11: Guess what, there are only 3 people in the U.S. with my exact name.
Me: What class is this for?
11: I haven’t started yet.
I like a baked potato because the name is the instructions.
You had me at Whipped Cream Vodka.
Cop: We’ve found the man who stole your identity and was impersonating you
Me: Where was he?
Cop: Eating Cheetos and crying in his car
Me *impressed* he really went for it
So far my favorite thing about COVID-19 is getting an email from EVERY SINGLE STORE that’s ever had my email addy about how they are committed to protecting their employees and customers. I HAVEN’T SET FOOT INSIDE YOUR STORE IN 7 YEARS LEAVE ME ALONE.
Hey, parents of an only child considering having one more, know that I just split an M&M in half.
An M&M.
In half.
“Still upset about earlier?”
Yeah
“So you knocked over a few spaghetti boxes at the store. No big deal”
I WAS A WORLD JENGA CHAMPION, SALLY
I use a headshot from 2008 on my LinkedIn to prepare future employers for disappointment
Got kicked out of the flat earth bar for offering to buy everyone a round.
My period is really late so I’m starting to think about baby names:
For a girl- Menopausalia
For a boy- HotFlash
having sex w/ a girl who has multiple personalities would be awesome unless one of those personalities was hitler
I remember when yoga was called Twister.
People I live with are hiding my shit. The two most effective hiding places to date:
1) out in the open
2) where I last left it
My gf said, “I’m backing the car in the garage. Would you let me know when I hit the wall?”
Me: Sure.
[BANG]
Me: it’s 4 35 pm.
You’re so vain, you probably think me driving by your house 27 times at 2 a.m. wearing all black with binoculars is about you, don’t you.