I have unresolved anger issues with all the pistachio nuts I ever failed to open.
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Maybe she was just being paranoid, but Wendy couldn’t help feeling that she was being monitored.
Me: *skips a rock perfectly across a pond*
Fred Flintstone: OH NO MY CELL PHONE
flight attendant: sir, you can’t bring that cow manure on the plane
me: THIS IS BULLSHIT!
*takes the high road*
*gets altitude sickness*
My rapper alter ego is “lil green onion” because I’m a rapscallion
Eye Exam Lamaze Class
Emergency
🤝
Dilated Pupils
her: this isn’t going to work out
me: [mouthful of mashed potatoes] ith id bu-
her: yes it’s because of the mashed potatoes
“We’re still looking for a side project”
Tornado: *raises hand* we could flip houses
“We’ve been over this, it’s not what you think it is”
[ first date ]
her: i like a man who plans financially for the future
me: i swallowed $9.13 this morning that i won’t be able to spend until later
me at family reunion: im sick of you being called the cool one
brother who once attended a taping of the price is right: it is what it is
Reasons my 3 y/o cried last week:
-I filled up his water bottle to high
-My wife took a shower
-Our dog walked out of the room
-His brother went down for his nap
-I didn’t sit on the couch in the exact spot he wanted me too.
a girl at starbucks complimented my lip gloss. i didn’t have the heart to tell her it was grease from the rotisserie chicken i just ate in the parking lot.
* shows up with flowers
Wife: Are we going to the hospital?
Yous guys keep her distracted. I do the rest. Got it?
Me, dressed as Zeus: Release the kraken!
Son, *from his holding cell*: Just bail me out. Why are you like this?
be careful when u talk baby talk to a baby becuase if u dont understand what ur saying u may acidentaly be declaring war in baby langauge
I may be unhinged now but at one point I was “a pleasure to have in class”
I identify with this toooooo much. 😂😂😂😂😂
My wife just said that my favorite pair of jeans went upstate to live on a big, beautiful farm.
So we agree when the zombies come we feed em the teenagers first, right?
My pre-nup will indicate that I’m allowed to unplug your life support system should my phone need charging.
I have three brothers but to keep dad on his toes only a couple of us got in trouble at a time.
me: could my thighs get any bigger? *sits down* me: oh look now they’re the size of Australia
*holds up 2 ties*
which one, I have a big meeting today
“both are nice”
[wife calls later]
“how’d it go”
well, wearing 2 ties was a disaster
[about to stay the night at a friend’s house]
Friend: The shower controls are tricky. First, you pull the big handle toward you, then you turn it counter-clockwise to the two o’clock position. Next, you turn the small handle clockwise until—
Me: I’ll just stay in a hotel.
My wife begged me to stop singing Outkast songs, so I was like, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alri
*daughter reading
*son playing ipod
*dog sleeping
*house quiet
*I go take a dump
FISTFIGHT BREAKS OUT, DOG’S ON FIRE
daughter: what are you making me for lunch?
wife: your dad’s making your lunch
daughter: did I do something wrong?
Oh how all 5 feet 3 inches of me breathed a sigh of relief today at work when they announced that the tallest person in every group had to facilitate the breakout discussions.
I gave a co-worker my word today …
And yes, the word started with the letter ‘F’ …