The year 2035.
Razors now have 47 blades.
Deodorants offer 186 hour protection.
Tins of corned beef still have to be opened with that stupid little metal key.
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You know a corn maze is going to be intense when it has a missing-child poster at the entrance.
Executioner: *sweating, hauling up guillotine blade for the ninth time* Please, I have to go home.
Turtle: I won’t pull in this time lol
My 8-year-old just offered me leftover cashews from his lunch, asking “Do you want these nuts?” and I’m not mature enough to be a parent.
Actually, Frankincense was the name of the doctor who created it. You’re thinking of Frankincense’s monster.
We put a man on the moon in 1969, and if you elect me to be your president, I promise that we will not stop until every man is on the moon.
Drove to my parents house to exchange ham and coconut cake from 6 feet apart. It was like a weird ham and coconut cake drug deal.
Kinda bullshit that there wasn’t a giant, aggressive shrimp character in Finding Nemo named Genghis Prawn.
Genie: you get three wishes
Dog: I wish I was inside
Genie: two wishes
Dog: I wish I was outside
Genie: one wish
Dog:
Genie:
Dog: I wish I was inside
Lol how “take you out” could mean either we’re going on a date or I’m gonna kill you.
Shamrocks are the most dishonest of all the rocks.
I don’t feel like a zombie…better eat someone to make sure.
One time in like 2014, Lauren Conrad tweeted “What’s my favourite position? CEO.” And I remember thinking that she ate, I was like yeah, that’s my girl
If dolphins are so smart, how come they work at Sea World?
Thinking about the time I invited a date over for a BBQ & asked him to pass me the hot dog knife so I could pry hot dogs out of the package. He stopped & said “Hot dog knife?” At which point, I realized other people did not have designated hot dog knives. There was no 2nd date.
Them: “Would you like to eat an entire loaf of bread?”
Me: “No thank you.”
Them: “What if we gave you a pot of cheese and a little poker and called it fondue?”
Me: “I’m in.”
Here’s how I gained 27Ibs of muscle in 5 weeks:
Lying.
I keep an extra stash of tampons in my purse to launch at blowhards who punctuate the end of their sentence with the word, “Period!”
They should just report when there WASN’T a shooting in Florida at this point
Red light : Stop
Yellow light : Proceed w/ caution
Green light : Wait till everyone hates you then go
The bear scene from The Revenant, except it’s just me opening a jar of pickles
I didn’t have time to have my coffee before drop off this morning. Anyway. Hopefully I brought them to the right school.
DOCTOR: to prevent germs from spreading you should sneeze into your elbow
T-REX: oh great
I can tell Spring is almost here because I’m on the verge of wanting to kill myself but I’d also like to plant some bulbs.
Everyone is fighting a battle (with goblins) that you know nothing about (because you failed a perception check)
Hey girl, are you a check engine light? ‘Cause I’m not sure what you’re trying to tell me but I have a feeling you’re going to ruin my day.
“2! 4! 6! 8! Who do we appreciate?
Nobody!!!! Hahahahahaha!”
-Teenagers
“HELP! Frankenstein’s attacking me!”
911: Frankenstein? Or Frankenstein’s *monster*?
“AAAH he ripped my arm off”
911: Which one did, sir
Me: *wearing my Burger King crown
Passport photographer: No
[at a mattress store]
sales assistant: what size are you looking for?
me:*six loads of laundry big* queen should do
*gets hit by car
**back cracks
Me: Thank you!