I’m opening an Italian restaurant for Alphas called “Testosteroni.” Who want to get in on the ground floor?
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I’m “I have been lying about my age so long that I have forgotten how old I actually am” years old.
Barista: May I suggest a French vanilla caramel mocha? It pairs well with our bourbon maple bacon glazed donut.
Me: That many flavors would give my palate a nervous breakdown.
Me: Kids, never take candy from strangers!
Also me on Halloween: I want more Twix, go ask that clown with the red balloon for some.
4-year-old: I found a caterpillar. It’s not poisonous.
Me: How do you know?
4: I licked it.
You take the oxy out of oxymoron
1991: Mom gently rocks you to sleep
2024: Mom doesn’t rock you to sleep anymoreAnyone else notice this?
Why is it called ‘Your Bowels’ and not ‘Your Instinks’
Stopped the microwave at 0:01 AND stopped the gas pump at an even $50.00!
*Adds Bomb Squad Specialist to resume.
[About to sign divorce papers] and I definitely get to keep this pen?
If bras are called over the shoulder boulder holders then panties should be named under the hip lip grippers.
probably not good that i sounded like chewbacca while standing up huh.
[Batman & Joker at a table in Arkham Asylum]
Joker: Wanna know I got these Scars? *He gestures at his Lion King action figures*
Batman: Ugh
I am NOT just ‘a piece of meat’ you know. I’m a ribeye steak… a bit fatty, but still quite tasty.
Ok, I lied. I’m pork butt.
Doctor: I have bad news
Me: oh no
Doctor: I just lost a ton gambling
Me: whew, I thought I was dying-
Doctor: I bet you weren’t dying
I accidentally typed ‘thee’ and now I’m listening to lute music and my neighbour Jeff just succumbed to the Plague.
AM I BEING GASLIT????
Met this chinese guy with the surname Shen. His name’s Eric. As in Eric Shen. Have him for more than 4hours, call a doctor!
My credit card was declined and when I called Visa they asked me to verify that I was a 39 year old man buying a unicorn frappuccino.
BRITS: Put extra vowels in all of the words!
WELSH: Fckn Brts tk r vwls. Lts jst mk nw wrds wtht thm, xcpt y. Y cn sty.
Maybe, just maybe, passwords wouldn’t be so insecure if we weren’t always asking them to change.
age 20: I was in a car accident, my ride is totaled. I won’t be into work until after lunch
age 40: I did something to my back brushing my teeth, I need to lie down for 3 weeks
You don’t know humility until your Ouija board gets snippy with you.
Once I found there was no popcorn in popcorn chicken there was no reason to try pot roast.
Them: I saw someone who looks just like you!
Someone:
I thought about buying my wife a car for Christmas but then I remembered I don’t live in a commercial.
[karate class]
Sensei: break this board with your hands
Me: why can’t I use an axe?
Sensei: because I hate you
Heading to the dentist. I hope they’ve all taken their Valium and said their prayers.
My 10 y/o likes pineapple “as long as it’s not the pineapple kind of pineapple.” We’ve entered a new front in her War Against Fruit.
I’m like a Picasso. You’re not sure quite what’s going on with me, but something definitely isn’t right.
After weeks of progress, I suddenly stopped losing weight. I hit a wall.
*puts ice pack on hand* OK, so I was a little upset.