“Hi-”
“I have a boyfriend.”
“Do y-”
“I have a boyfriend.”
“Excuse m-”
“I have a boyfriend.”
“I JUST WANNA KNOW WHERE THE BATHROOM IS.”
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The lady next to me on this plane thinks I’m in her seat, she keeps asking what my ticket says.
Looks like we have a big problem, cause my ticket doesn’t talk.
My teen can’t seem to make her own bowl of cereal, but she can make a Tik Tok recipe with 17 ingredients.
dad, why does my cake say “we dont want a talking cake”
“its a long story son”
Every Independence Day I get a little bit disappointed when aliens don’t try to take over the world.
My dog just swallowed a bag of Scrabble tiles, so I took him to the vet.
No word yet.
They take Opposite Day seriously here at El Sol. I love sushi/getting paid to eat, but the dead mariachi band is something of a mood-killer.
Me: Achoo!
People trying to scare me: Boo!
My bladder: I hate October.
the saddest part about self driving cars will be all the times people die mid trip and then ur dinner guests or pizza guy will arrive dead
Steps to survive on a dessert island:
1. check spelling
2. if correct, enjoy
Me: *Holding a fist full of lit sparklers* How much for the aggressive incense?
Him: You need to ease up on always picking out the things I do wrong
Me: You make it sound like I do it all the time!
Him: Even when I’m doing good, you have to find a mista…
Me: “Well”…when you’re doing “well”
Him:
Me: Go on…
I bumped into a VERY handsome man on the tube platform and now we’re on the train together and i can’t wait to steal furtive glances at him until I get to my stop and do absolutely nothing more about it
[dog park]
Dog: omg I just found out I’m adopted
Other Dogs: [barking in shock]
Salad is the decaf of food.
me: where can I find shovels and toilet paper?
clerk: going camping?
me: no
went to my great aunt’s funeral (she made it to 96) and was eating so much potato salad and smoked salmon that my uncle asked if I had a tapeworm
VOICEMAIL: I’m sorry I can’t come to the phone right now, my toddler typed the wrong password 200 times so I can’t try again until next year
The only time anyone’s ever gotten choked when having sex with me is when they got bored and started eating a sandwich.
Oh you’re a fan of Oppenheimer? Name three bombs
Even in a suit, Matthew McConaughey looks like he’s just been rescued after two weeks lost in the desert.
I wish the Popemobile was outfitted more like a little aquarium for him. Put a treasure chest in there, maybe even a scuba guy.
*drops cheese*
You: Five second rule!
Pet owners: lol
The first thirteen years on Twitter are the hardest
My son just told me he knows all the lyrics to Despacito and then just sang “burrito” for every single word.
Your skull is only a centimeter thick and other reassurances.
I put my pants on just like the rest of you, when the popo tells me to.
European out-of-offices: “I’m away camping for the summer. Email again in September”
American out-of-offices: “I have left the office for two hours to undergo kidney surgery but you can reach me on my cell anytime”
Getting married at 22 sounds a lot like leaving a party at 9:30pm.
[reaches into pocket for car keys]
Hand: I got nothing
Brain: they only ever go in that pocket
Hand: well I’m here & they’re not so
Brain: so we’re walking cos I put them in there & if they’re not there then they’re lost
Other hand: holy shit you guys are not gonna believe this
Oh right, like you’ve never let your kids stay lost in a corn maze just a little longer.