Is it still murder if they said, “Some other time,” but I thought they said smother time?
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You’re a vegetarian who eats fish? I guess that makes sense since bears are basically vegetarians.
*im applying Chapstick and doing curtseys in the mirror*
*dad walks past*
*dad double takes*
*im doing push-ups and drinkin a protein snake*
Vegetarian? Sea kelp.
Cannibal? Seek help.
If I don’t stick to my diet, people are going to start calling me the last chairbender.
Tried on a pair of skinny jeans and I looked like a full cereal bag that you’re trying to force back inside the box.
coworker: how was your weekend?
me: sucked, I had to move
coworker: you sold your house?
me: no, my wife made me get off the couch
Double whammy. First date is turning out to be fun & I also go to meet my hero Chris Hansen from Catch a Predator.
New diet plan: murder all the skinny people.
The only reason to engage with a neighbor is if either of you is on fire.
“LOOK, MA!!!!! NO DIGNITY!!!!”
I was at a craft fair yesterday and I overheard a man say to his wife in a tone that conveyed no less than 6 emotions, Please no more potholders.
[GOD INVENTING MUSHROOMS]
GOD: most of them are fine
ANGEL: what about the ones that aren’t?
God: you get high or… you DIE
Angel: dude
RIP that guy in the audience of the eric clapton unplugged session whose head literally exploded when he realized the song was “layla”
you’re upset I bought a waterbed aren’t you
“yes take it back”
I lost the receipt
*sneezes and we bob up and down for 8 minutes in silence*
Horror movies have given me an unrealistic expectation about finding an armoire with a false back where a ghost lives.
18 years old: let’s eat pizza at 1am and feel amazing
40 years old: I ate a chicken sandwich at 9pm and had heartburn for two days
I am now referring to my parents as numbers like you guys refer to your kids.
72 & 70 are coming to visit, send wine.
Watching the Olympics.
Me: HOLY SHIT THAT WAS AMAZING! GOLD MEDAL!
Announcer: Ohhh! Not a good performance, those scores will not be pretty.
I hate restaurants where they won’t let you bring your own mariachi band.
dr pepper just lost her medical license. 😔 now she’s just ms pepper. 😂 bet you thought i was going to say mr pepper! 😒 no. ✋🛑 dr pepper has been a woman this whole time. 😜 unlearn your internal biases!👩⚕️ she lost her license for throwing a baby in the trash ⛹️♀️👶
I don’t like labels, but I suppose “evil genius” fits about as well as any.
I let people know that I’m no weirdo. I say “I’m no weirdo!” From that point forward, it’s just a matter of keeping my mouth off their pets.
I was at a funeral yesterday and spiced things up by walking over to complete strangers and saying “Ignore what everyone else thinks. I, personally, have no issue with you being here”.
*steals machine parts all year*
*gets coal for xmas*
“Santa you idiot, the parts were for a pressure chamber”
*turns coal into diamond*
Easy there, Jedi. Convincing me to add wings to my pizza order isn’t a mind trick.
Now that I’m vaccinated I’m up for any social activity as long as it starts at six, ends by seven, involves food and doesn’t require real pants.
I’ve heard the jokes and the laughter as people drove past my house in July, but who’s laughing NOW?
*plugs in Xmas lights*
My 5yo’s teacher wore a Slytherin t-shirt to school and now I’m concerned about the type of magic my son might be learning
I was late to my first fight club last night so I missed the introduction but it was still really fun and I highly recommend fight club
Have you ever stopped & thought about how there are hundreds of millions of really nice suits just buried underground?