Them: you have such a youthful face! What’s your secret?
me: *plucking an auburn hair and burning it in the eternal flame while muttering incantations* oh I just wash it with water
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Judge: Did you commit murder?
Me: I’m a man. I’m afraid of commitment.
Judge: hahaha!
Me: hahaha!
Judge: Life.
how is beauty and the beast a “tale as old as time”? a lady hooks up with a big dog, and all the candles in the house start talking? I hope that hasn’t happened before
My friend called me from a private number last night so I just returned the favor by knocking on his door with a ski mask on.
[shark tank]
Me: have u ever wanted to eat the luggage tag on ur bag after a flight
Mark cuban: no
Me: look no further
you (uneducated, wastes time): *pours half & half into your coffee*
me (math genius, time efficient): *pours 1 into my coffee*
This skinny girl just told me she “forgets” to eat? Is that possible? I just licked her face in case it’s contagious.
Wife: Sarah’s husband gives her flowers EVERY day. I wish you’d do that!
Me: uh ok[next day]
Me *giving Sarah flowers* no I don’t get it either
common English mistakes:
-mixing up there, their and they’re
-using the wrong too, to or two
-using apostrophes for plurals
-enslaving innocent people
-putting commas in the wrong place
This morning I noticed my neighbor was talking to her cat. It was obvious the poor woman thought her cat understood her.
When I got home I told my dog about it. We laughed so much!
Responding to someone putting on their jacket, picking up their bag, turning towards the door and walking away by asking “you off?”
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and a dog that plays ping pong
channeling her this year
We’re quarantined with our laptops and our phones. If they’re not texting u back, they just don’t want to
Me: I love you
Husband: I love you, too
Me: Please remember that when you get the January Amex bill
Used shampoo instead of shower gel and now my body has up to 70% more body.
Me when dead:
Yay! No more worrying about appearance or keeping fit or any of that crap!Me a second later:
Wait – WHY THE HELL AM I STILL THINKING?
Can America keep it down?
Canada needs to work on Monday.
Why is it called an avalanche and not buried at ski?
It doesn’t make sense that there are so many poems about love, but there are no poems about hot, buttery mashed potatoes.
I just spent more time trying to get a stuck Junior Mint out of the box than I did studying for some exams in school.
My favourite horror sitcom crossover was I Know What You Did Last Of The Summer Wine
Within every clean home is a room with a closed door containing a large pile of miscellaneous shit that someone just tossed in there.
Sorry I said “What is it?” when you showed me your baby.
Are you even a parent if you’ve never carried your child out of a store sideways like a surfboard?
‘Please, I need this’, I whisper as I try to steal a baby goat from the petting zoo.
If I hear people screaming, I always go check on them. Not because I’m nosy or some kind of hero. There might be ice cream.
Gyms closed. So this summer gone be about personality.
EMT: [opens my shirt revealing bread covering my nipples] You faked cardiac arrest for this?
Me: Just say clear and make my grilled cheese.
A charcuterie board is just dry soup
My wife urged me to be more experimental in the bedroom, but I guess she wasn’t expecting I’d be dissecting so many white mice.