Bad: I saw my girlfriend’s name and number on a couple of men’s bathroom walls..
Worse: It was in her handwriting…
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My toddler just told me I’m the best mummy ever because I “bought the good cheese for once” so I’ll be riding this high until her next tantrum
Honestly people shouldn’t even be allowed to talk until they’re like 35 years old.
I’m tired of being the strong one. I want to be a noodle.
Remember when I told you that joke about the chiropractor?
It was about a week back…
(Slaps knee!)
the phone rings. it’s you. it’s always you. i’ve run out of things to say…out of ways to tell you to stop calling. i can’t do this anymore. yet…i answer, knowing you’ll just say the same thing you always say, “i’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty”
Woman: Is it a boy or a girl, doctor?
Doctor: It’s a mango. A perfectly ripe mango
Woman: Oh thank GOD. I hate babies
I’m so tired of being jealous of my friends’ successes. It’s unhealthy and only hurts me. From now on, I’m going to focus on what’s really important: enjoying my friends’ failures.
[teaching my boyfriend cards]
ME: the blue ones represent logic, the yellow are morality & order, the green use instinct & interdependence, and the red value chaos & impulse
HIM: *frantically flipping through UNO instruction booklet*
Me growing up, watching Trek: Transporters are so scary. They break you down at a molecular level? Creating a whole clone? No thank you
Me now: Listen, I need to skip commuting in Boston. I am begging you to disintegrate me
FIRST KID: I’d rather not medicate her.
SUBSEQUENT CHILDREN: *Googles, “How much Benadryl will make her sleep for three days straight?”*
You want me to make up a word for the period of my life before I became a mailman?
That’s preposterous
I wonder what the part of my brain that used to remember phone numbers is up to these days.
Get a ring camera so you can yell at your kids when they’re out front and freak them out.
A truck just flipped a dead squirrel onto my windshield and it’s stuck in my wiper.
I guess I don’t have to stop to get supper tonight.
My phone will never let me forget the day I texted “hahajaha”.
God: Done
Angel: you can’t be finished
God: I am
Angel: but that’s a hairless cat-
God: aaand send
Date: I like a girl who knows about the human body *wink*
Me: *visibly excited* did you know that the right lung is divided into three lobes?
Date: no I meant
Me: but the left lung only has two!
Date: not like th— wait, really?
No one makes more observations than a child sharing a stall with his mother inside a public restroom.
A kitchen sponge is a better environment for growing bacteria than a petri dish.
My parents: “the virus cannot survive in hot places so you need to periodically gargle boiling water and run a hairdryer at your throat”
Me: “…how did you raise me without killing me”
My husband asked if I had a new year’s resolution and I told him it was to not yell at the kids and then we both fell about laughing
Enthusiasm 1 – 0 Judgement
next time i’m opening up to someone is my autopsy
Dating profiles should make you share a sound bite of you sneezing.
I accidentally opened a survey and tried to close it. I got a message that said “please answer survey!”
You need to slow your roll there survey.
Mum: Oh I’ve always wanted to try one of these , *leans in* Alexa, what’s your name?
Me:
A completely valid reaction tbh
Overused phrases I hope I never hear again:
1. At the end of the day
2. It is what it is
3. Think outside the box
4. Get your ducks in a row
5. Please sir, you’re making a scene
Ugh, my boyfriend got me flowers even tho I explicitly asked for cash
Just stood on my porch and screamed “STOP IT!” at the top of my lungs and two doors over someone yelled back “K”.