Cleavage is the original Jedi Mind Trick.
You Might Also Like
*courtroom*
judge: I hear you want a new lawyer
me: yes I do
judge: what’s the problem? your lawyer is licensed to practice law in Ontario
me: I want a real lawyer. not just one who is practicing
[Parker Brothers Meeting: 1903]
Boss: We need a tedious game that will last for hours & tear families apart.
And Monopoly was born.
I always carry a piece of paper with me, just in case someone tries to attack me with a rock.
Of course my days are numbered..
That’s how calendars work.
Quit making fun of my barbed wire tattoo literally no one has even tried climbing over my arm since I got it.
Sorry I called your baby ugly
I should have just gave the more socially acceptable “Aww.. looks just like you!”
How many boats could Lisa Kudrow row if Lisa Kudrow could row boats?
Coworker – Have you ever gotten Covid?
Me – Does my gut look like I’ve ever lost the sense of taste or smell?
Rich People Podcasts are wild.
Hello Twits.
A small part of me is filled with self-loathing for how much pizza I can eat in one sitting. The rest of me is filled with pizza.
M: I don’t regret my past. I’m far too cold and calculating for regrets.
Lawyer: Okay, so I don’t want you saying that at the trial.
ceo: our customers are demanding ziploc seals for all of our bagged foods
product engineer: ok do you want me to make them easy to open
ceo: lol no
my cat just woke up, accused me of a crime, and went back to sleep
“i’m really more of a dog person.” — werewolf
I’m thinking about starting a car service for dogs called the Scooby D’uber
Technically, setting someone on fire is burning calories.
Why do you even see a psychologist? They they are just people that weren’t smart enough to be psychics.
I tried to renew my subscription to a magazine & somehow duplicated the subscription. After finally canceling one, I did so, & now at the same name & the same *address* I simultaneously receive both a copy of the magazine & “we’d love for you to resubscribe” letters every month.
Covid has me stifling a cough in public like I’m trying to hide a bite wound in a zombie movie.
Unsolicited sandwich pics.
When I travel I just throw my clothes in a suitcase because I know as an Arab they will search me at the airport and fold my clothes neatly.
I wish kid’s socks were biodegradable and came on rolls like paper towel. Just rip off a new pair every day and throw the only one you can find from yesterday in the garden
My mental health is as reliable as a flashlight in a horror film
Cashier: What kind of lettuce is this?
Me: Apples!
*removes “works well under pressure” from resume*
[being dragged off the plane]
Wait! Those are my 30-50 service hogs!
Select elevator floors without using your hands, guys. Chicks dig it.
It’s like the people in this restroom don’t even want my help unbuttoning their pants.
STOP RUNNING AWAY I JUST WANT TO HELP YOU
I’m not saying there are microchips in the vaccines but my right arm just told me it will be updating tonight between midnight and 2 a.m.