This guy is choking on the last hotdog I wanted so I’m just going to let him die.
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[blind date]
HER: I recently found Jesus
ME {trying to keep the conversation going}: Where was he?
*world is ending*
Met Gala: LOOK AT MY DRESS THO
My blow up doll has started wheezing and she’s loosing weight rapidly. Getting very concerned.
Took my kids out to dinner & was quickly reminded why I never take them out to dinner.
I’m at the age where drinking a cup of coffee now makes me feel like Popeye scarfing down a can of spinach.
[points at crying baby]
I used to be just like you, and no, it doesn’t get better.
Sorry I’m breaking up with you but you have terrible taste in women
BOSS: Wow you made a killing on your first day
ME: Thanks boss!
BOSS: *puts hand on my shoulder* that’s bad for a surgeon
Become a parent if you want to be judged by your kids on your ability to provide chocolate milk at any given moment and by other parents for being willing to
I just want to feed somebody a extra large corndog too
[first day as a spy]
Wife: what’s your bosses name?
Me: I can’t tell you that
Wife: why?
Me: because I don’t remember, Linda
New to Twitter cheat sheet:
AVI – profile pic
TL – timeline
DM – direct message
TC – twitter crush
WTF – everything else
I don’t wish mean people any harm but maybe they would be happier if they moved to that nice farm my parents took my dog to when I was 5.
Let’s make “door pants” a thing. Those pants you leave by your front door so when delivery people knock on your door you have easy access.
i’ve already had 2 cups of coffee and a can of coke this morning; i’m about to jump out of the plane and just run the rest of the way
depression: you’re not good enough
anxiety: everything is falling apart
Quora: what if a grape hit u while traveling at the speed of sound
Doctor: Between 1 and 10, describe how much pain are you in?
Me: Is married a number?
That’s how I get the good meds…
FINALLY A BEAUTIFUL DAY THAT ISN’T 100 DEGREES OR POURING RAIN
[frogs start falling from sky]
In hindsight, naming my family portrait studio Let Me Shoot Your Kids, was probably not the best business decision.
Greatest “Bad at sex” tweets of 2019
Choose your fighter!
“to my son, i leave my bathroom scale” the lawyer sighs “because where theres a will, theres a weigh. to my wife, i leave my last high five”
79.
The first rule of Mormon fight flub is go door to door talking about Mormon fight club .
Let’s get married, have kids and buy a house where it’ll either be too cold or too hot for someone every day forever.
It’s like my Granddad used to say “Sarcasm is not a good thing to bring to a gun fight either.”
Now’s a good time to change your facebook name to “Nobody,” so when you click like on ignorant statuses it says, “Nobody likes this.”
My favorite Bible stories are where women are villains for things like picking fruit or getting their boyfriend a better haircut.
jeff bezos can’t become a trillionaire if he gets eaten by a whale