ikea instructions make no sense, why would they only give me one allen wrench to cook all these meatballs
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Kill it with fire!
*douses it in hot sauce*
The sacred texts.
Biggest conspiracy I believe in is that DiCaprio’s relationships are all advertising campaigns for their modeling firms and he’s been quietly married to Tobey Maguire since 2017
My husband refused to go to Target with me, so I took the tv remote with me instead.
[puts on a song to set the mood]
date: …is this the monster mash?
When I get a little tipsy I like to go to a random neighbourhood, knock on the door and say, “Sarah Connor?”.
I implanted a voice-modulating chip in my neighbor’s chihuahua, so now, whenever he barks, it sounds like the sax riff from Careless Whispers. So soothing.
I just want to be as strong as the bond between two five gallon buckets
My husband and I have reached the age that neither of us will get up to investigate even the strangest of noises.
I’ve got a black eye, a $200 fine and I’ve been listed on a register…turns out taking candy from a baby wasn’t so easy after all.
A vanilla latte w soy milk is technically a 3 bean soup but none of yall are ready to talk about that huh??
CYCLOPS: what’s that screaming?
PROF. X: I maxed out the difficulty in the danger room
WOLVERINE: [running through the aisles of a virtual grocery store trying to avoid talking to neighbors, old class mates, and ex gfs] NOOOOOOOOOO
You know what they say. You can lead a camel to water but you can’t keep your leggings out of its toe
I’m opening an Italian restaurant for Alphas called “Testosteroni.” Who want to get in on the ground floor?
giv a man a fish adn he’ll say “wat is this i ordered a mcflurry”
teach a man to fish adn he’ll say “how ar u the manager of this mcdonalds”
Football Team: Huddle up!
Me: Mm, this is nice
FT: Who are you
Me: So warm, so snug
FT: Break. Break now!
Me: Don’t go nice man-castle
6: Mommy, why is that man wearing his baseball cap backwards?
Me: Because he was alive in the 1990s, sweetheart
This morning I noticed my neighbor was talking to her cat. It was obvious the poor woman thought her cat understood her.
When I got home I told my dog about it. We laughed so much!
“Camping” – noun:
when you create a late night picnic for the hungry animals in a field with you being the meaty snack
Him: I’m an animal person
Me: *nervous* So like, a shapeshifter?
Drilling a hole is boring, but fastening pieces of metal can be riveting.
My confessional is just a list of things I’m willing to do for cheese
My latest business venture is not-for-profit, apparently.
Having defeated the floor lamp, 4 plants & one “unbreakable” cat toy, my idiot cat has now waged war against my laundry.
The Battle of the Bra is in full swing.
No one is full of more false hope than a parent bringing a chair to the beach.
Tequila is made from a plant so you could say I’ve been vegan so far this weekend
Finally got the mustache thick enough where other mustache guys are giving me the mustache-comradery nod. Absolutely crushed it at Home Depot today. Neck sore from nodding.
I hate avocados
*gets kicked out of California*
You should be my grillfriend. Not a typo, girl. You’re hot enough to cook meat on.
corner shelves seem like such an ingenious use of space until you try to put stuff in them