*releases swarm of killer wasps*
– ATTACK!
*wasps fly off harmlessly in all directions*
– Hmm… time for plan bee
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Friday night party time 🥳
*opens a bag of popcorn at your intervention*
kid: *reading ouija board* she says you should vacuum
mom: who?
kid: grandma. she’s coming back
mom: honey grandma died years ago
[urn falls off mantle]
mom: get the—
kid: —vacuum?
Which rock group has four members, one named George and one that was assassinated?
Mount Rushmore
A shark could swim faster than me, but I could probably run faster than a shark. So in a triathlon, it would all come down to who is the better cyclist.
I was visiting my parents this past weekend and Y’ALL, I had no idea how intense birdwatching can get.
Someone just posted an article on Facebook and said “file this under sad.” WAS I SUPPOSED TO BE FILING EVERYTHING
A high school student just asked if Titanic was based on a true story. Happy Friday.
Ever since CATS come out things have been way off
Doctor: Have often do you have sex?
Me: Once or twice
Doctor: A week?
Me: I’ve answered, let’s move on
CAUGHT IN A ˢˡⁱᵈᵉ
these freddie videos i swear-
saying “i am bad at this”
-defeatist
-will make you sad
-removes the possibility for improvementsaying “a whale would be impressed by my ability”
-encouraging
-always true because whales don’t even have thumbs and also appreciate effort
-makes you think about whales
I always act like I’m so much better than fantasy protagonists but lets be honest I would 100% touch the book of forbidden secrets, even if it did mean accidentally starting the war of the unclean and maybe also releasing the queen of spiders from her endless slumber
Maybe I only need some intents and purposes.
Keep microwaving fish in the office and stop wondering why you never get a desk by the windows.
wife: don’t eat that, u know it won’t agree with u
me: yes it will
taco: no I won’t
My wife banned iPads from my kids so my sweet angels stood in the hallway where they thought I couldn’t hear and whispered “Let’s ask dad because he always let us and then we can blame him when mommy asks”.
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
SUPER DANCE OFF??
Cop: OH YEAH
OH YEAH?
Cop: No, not really. There’s a warrant for your arrest.
oh no
Me: So, other than the slow start, not engaging with the readers, a meandering plot, an absence of a POV, and wooden dialogue, you think it’ll be a best seller?
Editor: No, that’s not what I’m saying.
A dating app called “Hinder” where some guy shows up in the middle of every date and ruins everything.
Trust us: the feminine form of ‘ghostbuster’ is ‘ghostbuster’.
Does anybody know how many toddlers you have to bring to ‘Toys For Tots’ before you’re eligible for an Xbox?
Just cleaned my room 7 months ago and it’s dirty again.. this is bullshit
ME: *plummeting to earth* I’VE MISUNDERSTOOD THE INTENDED UTILITY OF PARACHUTE PANTS
My husband and I are at a point in our lives where we don’t care about the strange noise coming from downstairs if it means we have to get out of bed.
Just saw a boneless KFC commercial followed by an ad for apple flavored beer. Anyone remember when adults didn’t act like five year olds?
me: i miss being in a relationship im lo-
*elephant charges and runs me over*
me: *lying on ground* oh right that’s what it feels like, thanks for the reminder mr bubbles
*elephant trumpets*
Teens today have it so easy. We didn’t have self-checkout lanes when WE bought condoms.
[prehistoric times]
MUM: When you get married, your husband will be the hunterDAUGHTER: So I gather
My kids asked me how to spell desert and dessert so I told them to type it both ways and see what emojis pop up