“I shit you not”
– Yoda claiming dibs on the bathroom
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There’s nothing sexier than being with someone who knows exactly what they want, unless what they want is to smother you in your sleep.
Just once I’d like someone to call me “ma’am” without having to add “you need to calm down or we’re going to have to ask you to leave”
2015:hey how’s it going so far?
2016:uh good
15:
16:
15:you’ve got an armed mili-
16:we’ve got an armed militia in a wildlife building, yeah
As seen on Reddit: “Tradition is just peer pressure from dead people”.
Discuss.
ok kids, this is a smoke detector, if you hear it beeping change the battery, if it’s still beeping, check to see if ur on fire
There is no bond greater than the mutual respect of two former high school friends who refuse to friend each other on Facebook.
Clue is a wonderful game that teaches children about murder.
If you’re ever hiking in the woods and you get lost, just look up and find the brightest star in the sky and you’ll know which way space is.
Punched myself in the eye trying to pull on my skinny jeans again
People who write “loosing” when they mean “losing” need to get loost.
COP: are you armed
ME: yes
COP: your “love gun” doesn’t count
ME [sadly]: then no
Whipped cream is just shaving cream that does whatever it’s girlfriend tells it to do.
Them: you don’t strike me as a pacifist.
Me: yeah, that’s kinda the point
Sure, new mom Kylie Jenner goes makeup-free for Vogue & everyone celebrates her.
But when I go makeup-free to the grocery store, people are all, “Are you ok?? You look sick. You need sleep. And vitamins.”
[Screams into a dark wishing well]
“I want my coins back!”
Felony is a beautiful name for a girl
Me: I wanna chew the gum
Willy Wonka: No! You’ll turn into a blueberry
M: I’m doing it
W: Don’t
M:
When a store says “trusted since 1982” I just wonder what shady shit they were up to in 1981.
Jim ate my sandwich.
It was clearly labeled.
Jim’s email is open on his PC.
Jim’s son now thinks he’s adopted.
The sandwich was LABELED.
Mario: I killed all your turtle troops.Bowser: Turtle what?Mario: All the turtles that work for you.Bowser: What turtles?Mario: Uh oh…
Rose: Paint me like your French girls.
Jack: With armpit hair?
My toddler was babbling a mile a minute first thing this morning and my 4yo said, ‘I’m going to need pancakes if I’m going to listen to you,’ so he’s my stress management coach now.
*Password must be hard to guess*
New Password: H0neyWhatDoYouWantForDinner?
God: when they’re stressed their hair will start to fall out
Angel: nice, like the unsightly body hairs they hate?
God: lol no no no, the hair on their head
Angel: [under breath] i miss satan
If you ever catch me staring blankly during our conversation it’s because I can’t remember if it’s my turn to say words or yours.
[high school reunion]
Amanda: wow, you haven’t changed a bit
me: [covered in acne and wearing faded Pokemon shirt]: yeah I know
No offense but why do birds even have feet? Seems greedy.
When I drink too much coffee the voices in my head sound like auctioneer chipmunks.
I have a huge bruise on my face and a concussion, today my nurse friend asked if I was safe at home, considering I was home alone when this happened, the answer is no.
this morning a coworker told me “why don’t u make like a tree & leaf” & all I could think of as a comeback was “yeah, well why don’t u make like a coffee & fridge” (we were in the break room), so do I just quit now or what