My neighbor’s dogs are named Calvin and Klein. They’re boxers.
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One time I had to Google “What is a Snooki?” ngl I was disappointed it wasn’t a new Muppet
STEVE MILLER: some people call me the space cowboy
ME: dude we only did that once and we all really really regret it
i miss catholic school. i just remembered when a girl gave up mirrors for lent. she would duck and scurry into a stall every time we walked into the bathroom… you just don’t run into that kind of weird every day now
Desperation
-Fragrance by Social Media
me when I get my period: why am I eating & crying so much? is my depression worsening? What if im dying??? Omg im dying this is how I die. I die soon.
me later that night: dude ur not dying this is literally what ur period is. every single time.
*next period*
why am I eating & cr
Stop buying me complex technological devices that I have to go take a class to learn how to use just buy me a goat
Wanted: Human left leg, to finish the monster I’m making in my basement. Will pay handsomely. No weirdo’s.
plot twist: satan sold his soul to me
My husband just walked in, told the dog how cute he is, and how much he loves him. Held his face in his hands, stared into his eyes, and gave him forehead kisses. Then left the room.
I’m sitting right next to the dog.
Losing My Religion is a sad song about a misplaced pulled-pork sandwich.
Welcome to your 40s: your chin looks lonely, here’s another one.
If there isn’t an open bar at my funeral then count me out, I’m not going!
“Do you need help with your math homework Billy?”
“Yeah I sure do Dad!”
“Well you’re shit out of luck”
So cute how this taxi driver is taking an unnecessarily long route and driving slowly so he gets to spend more time with me.
My 4yo has been asking for no syrup on her pancakes. I thought it was really weird because she loves syrup, but today I saw her put a warm pancake on her face which explains the no syrup, and also probably why her face is so soft.
This librarian isn’t even wearing glasses! I’m not even going to ask her where a book is. She’s not going to know.
Do as I scooby say, not as I scooby doo.
*me to my dog.
wtf are you supposed to do when maintenance people come over your house? do I stand there and tell him he’s doing a good job?
Sandal was upset at the vet yesterday, because nothing bad has ever happened to him so he thinks being weighed is a war crime, and the technician kept trying to soothe him by saying ” awww, pobrecita chancleta” (literally, “poor little flip-flop”). he’s never living this down
It’s not politically correct to say Retarded, we say Politician now.
[Back at her place]
Date: talk dirty to me
Me: uhh…dust is basically just flakes of dead skin
Date: Eww, wtf?
Me: I mean… uh, limescale can shorten the life your kettle
Arby’s also has a secret menu. If you order a “phone book” they bring you a phone book and you can find any other place to eat.
Press 1 for English
Press 2 For SpanishPress 1 or 2 for Indian
My 4yo just noticed me trying to throw out an old, wrecked piece of Lego & by the look he gave me I’m afraid to go to sleep now.
when you and your sibling have to pretend to like each other long enough for mom to take the picture
“That’s horrible ! I’m never getting married !”
– My 9yo, after I told her my wife and I no longer surprise each other with gifts, we just tell each other what we want
Gordon Ramsay as an art judge:
*Throwing crayons
This “drawing” isn’t worth the paper it’s printed onBabies crying everywhere
If I were Obama, I’d totally lead with “My fellow Americans, the situation looks popeless.” #SOTU
And Jesus said “If the lepers cannot afford healthcare, let them suffer, for poverty is a character issue.”
When I say “seriously!” with either of the eyebrows raised, it could be a thinly disguised euphemism for wtf!!!