I apologise for the way I acted when you said the McRib was back and then told me you were kidding.
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Ann Coulter has managed to stay so thin because the last solid meal she ate was Hansel and Gretel.
Me trying to make small talk with my new co-workers
Genie: you have three wishes.
Me: i want a million wishes.
Genie: oh you’re one of those. Hey Jim! Come on out front! We’ve got one of those back again!
When I left for work this morning, the dog begged me to stay and the cat handed me my keys.
Me: what are you looking forward to most this week?
8: playing with my friends!
3 (boy): seeing grandma!
3 (girl): lunch!
This bouncer’s lucky I’m with my lady and physically frightened of him or he’d be in a world of pain.
Daddy, where do bananas come from?
Well son, when a manana and a womanana really love each other…
stop whining about losing your ‘hot years’ to covid. some of us lost our hot years to not being hot
12yo daughter: *SCREAMS*
Me: WHAT?!12yo: A spider!
Me: It’s just a spider12yo: I don’t want it to bite me!
Me: You’ll never be a super hero w/that attitude
Mafia boss: “I want him swimming with the fishes!”
*later at the coral reef*
Me: “This is amazing!”
Mafia boss: “Anything for you.”
Me: i am not being ratatouilled by a mcnugget
The McNugget Rattatoulleing Me: PUT UR HAND IN THE DEEP FRIER
HER: DM me later, okay?
ME: Okay.
*later*
ME: *sends her a message* Your party, weary from your travels, gather at the tavern in the hamlet of Oakwood. A friendly barkeep serves drinks to the townsfolk as a traveling bard takes the stage. Go ahead and introduce your character.
friend:
There’s this thing that starts around 6PM andme:
I’m already out.
Pfizer: Our vaccine is 90% effective.
Me who always gets the lemon skittle: oh no
[playing checkers]
him: king me
me: *places a crown on his head and incites a peasant rebellion that results in his public decapitation* checkmate
I have the patience of a nearly ripe avocado
“i miss shittin on people”
It’s complicated.
-My response when someone asks if they can have one of my beers.
He pulls a gun and demands my wallet
I slowly pull down my t-shirt collar, revealing a shark-tooth necklace
Trembling, he backs away slowly
We really need to stop with the cute names for devastating storms. Winter Storm Voldemort would be taken much more seriously.
I like to have gps trackers on my kids just to make sure they’re not home.
me: for the story to progress, I really need to kill off some of the characters in the book I’m writing
my editor: but…you’re writing an autobiography??
me: 😏😏😏
My garden has produced some sick beets, some smashing pumpkins and some red hot chili peppers.
We go on tour in the fall.
wife: ugh here comes brad from my work
me: which one is he again?
wife: the guy that says things and you can never tell if it’s a compliment or insult
brad: well well well someone smells like muffin mix
the funniest thing i’ve ever said was on april 11th 2009 to my dad’s cat and no one else was around to hear it. a car horn honked and he hopped off my bed and ran downstairs and i said “oh shit is your ride here” and laughed alone to myself for like five minutes straight
[grandma’s house]
Little Red Riding Hood: Are you going to eat me?
Wolf: I just want my hoodie back.
“My desires are… unconventional.”
“Show me.”
*opens door to a room full of memes*
Wife: Do the dishes
Me: Can’t. Holding the baby
Wife: Take out the trash
Me: Can’t. Baby
Wife: Change the baby
Me: Can’t. Doing dishes.
guys you should DM random girls shit like
“I heard the queen died and I got rly worried something happened to u, babe”
You know it’s really easy to sit back and make fun of everything instead of trying to actually help. That’s why I do it.