Yesterday there was a sign in our building lobby saying that a possum was living in our trash cans. This morning the sign was gone.
Best case scenario: The possum relocated overnight.
Worst case scenario: The possum took down the sign itself
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You ever drive around with an old person who knows where everything didn’t used to be?
ME: hey I’m just in time to watch the meteor shower!
METEOR: um, how about a little privacy?
Yoda: *dies and fades away*
Luke: Thank God. I was so sick of his backward talking.
Ghost Yoda: Heard that, I did.
I hate airplanes and flying. It’s like someone throwing a can full of people over the ocean and hoping someone in Europe will catch it.
*flirting poorly at the grocery store*
me: so do you eat food often?
Be nice to a nerd. Prevent a supervillain.
hey ther delilah wats it like in gotham city
is the joker stil in jail–
i mean yes babe u look so prety yes u do
batman is not a cool as u
I just turned my toaster upside down and dislodged 5 years’ worth of charred breakfast remnants and a single screw that I hope wasn’t important.
“Down”
“Penetration”
“Tight End”
“Ball handling”
Don’t the networks have censors any more?
Kids at bedtime are like a nine page food blog for a simple ramen noodle recipe
I wear the same outfit for 3 days but when I’m going away for 3 days I pack enough clothes for 7 days just in case my personality completely changes while I’m gone.
Love this joke:
Apparently one of the symptoms of COVID-19 is having no taste. Looking back on all my exes, I think I’ve been infected for years!
I, for one, understand ingrown hairs. I too have seen the world and would like to go back to where I came from
Wife: Have you considered therapy?
Me: I’m glad you think so highly of my opinions, but I already have a career
Wife: *stabs me
You have tattoos and curves?
*unbuttons pants*
You’re also batshit crazy?
*takes off pants*
You listen to Paramore?
*puts on clothes*
I’m guessing the best thing about being a zombie is knowing the dance routine to “Thriller”.
I’m gonna nail horseshoes on my nikes and gallop behind joggers
[right before the quest for the holy grail]
king arthur: alright, WHO BROKE MY FAVORITE CUP?
I was stopped at a red light when I noticed the car next to me trying to play charades. I didn’t want to play, but I could tell they REALLY wanted me to get it! We all played our best game of charades. Got it before the green light. Turns out my lights weren’t on.
My daughter said her English class requires 1,000 pages of summer reading so we went to The Cheesecake Factory and I handed her a menu
Well it’s been a week and I’ve already f’ed things up so here’s to 2025
this was pretty cool, thanks @funTweeters. means a lot!
BREAKING: Jennifer Lawrence taking 2-year break from acting.
Vin Diesel is also taking a break from acting, but will keep making movies.
Gen Z: I hate my boss
Millennial: me too but instead of posting it on social media I slowly let the air out of his tires like a well adjusted grown up
Dog kids: ughhh, homework for dinner again?
Dog mom: I had to wait outside his bedroom for three hours for him to fall asleep so I could steal this, you ungrateful little shits.
Make your own bacon by tricking a pig into running headlong through a harp.
fire doesn’t get enough credit for being inclusive. it’s always like “hey you wanna come be fire too?”
7YO: Can I eat ice cream now?
Me: Did you eat your greens?
7YO: Cows eat grass and then give milk I’ll get my greens from the ice cream
Men and women CAN be just friends. But only if one of them is ugly.
me: how was your day
5: my day was horrible! i wanted to stay home but you made me go to school so i went! but then i went to the library and got a book, and made a book mark. it was great!