Me: I’d never go to Australia. Everything there wants you dead.
Her: You should feel right at home then.
Me: 😐
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Let’s find out…
“Dad, are we pyromaniacs?”
” Yes, we arson.”
#HatDadJoke
Y’all: “I’m tryna lose weight, i’m about to eat salad”
The Salad:
WIFE: can you preheat the oven?
ME: you mean heat it
WIFE: not this again
ME: it can’t be heated before it’s heated. don’t give me that look
Yes I was hurt that your cat ignored me, even though I’m allergic. I’m the same way with party invitations.
Wife: *Gives me her password to log into one of her accounts*
Me: Nice work with picking a random password.
Wife: It’s our anniversary.
Start your day with the confidence of a 5yo who thinks he knows how to tie his shoes.
My grandpa didn’t leave me a gold watch or a large insurance policy, he left me something much more valuable which he wore proudly, his super expandable waist Thanksgiving eating pants.
My son asked to read one of my scripts three weeks ago. Still hasn’t read it. I can’t believe I’m raising a studio executive.
[Applebee’s, 49 BC]
waiter: what would you like, sir
Caesar: gimme that salad named after someone famous *wink, wink*
waiter: *hands him a Cobb salad*
[ opening mail ]
Her: The homeowners association made a new rule saying that we cannot display fake blood or any character from a horror film in the front yards of the neighborhood this year.
Me: What?!
Her: Guess you’ll have to do something nice using just pumpkins.
Me:
King: For the last time, what’s your SURNAME?!
Sir Name: *staring, eyelid twitching in frustration*
I wash my whites separately but what do I do with the shirt I was wearing while eating spaghetti.
The only reason they’re called “jellyfish” is that ‘discarded grocery bags of death’ was considered “too wordy”.
See ya later, alligator.
After a while, crocodile.
Catch ya mañana, little iguana.
Netflix: Watch it again
Me: No! I have things to do, people to talk to, and I haven’t been outside in 3 days
Netflix: Watch it again
Me: ok
[at Subway]
Them: What kind of cheese?
Me: Surprise me.[at home]
Netflix: 🔀 Surprise Me?
Me: Not Today Satan.
I have a stomach ache and my husband is mad at me for eating the peanut butter out of the mouse traps.
ME: I’ll have the chicken dinner.
WAITER: Yes, sir. *throws corn on the floor* Here, chick chick chick.
ME: *pecks at the ground* Excellent.
Sorry I’m late, I was waiving my hands at a paper towel dispenser that turned out to not be automatic.
Peace was never an option
Opening a package of cheese within 2 miles of my dog is the plot to A Quiet Place 2
Anyone who has to spend more than 2 mins at an ATM is obvilously sending a text to Optimus Prime
Guy sitting next to me on the airplane is eating his sandwich like a starved hyena and chunks of food keep landing on my leg….What’s the proper etiquette for this? I eat it right?!
man: hello I want a drugs
dealer: are you the cops?
man: [puts on sunglassss] I am not cop
dealer: are you sure!
man: [puts on more sunglasses] I am not cop
dealer: here are four drugs
man: [puts on cop sunglasses] I am cop
Autocannibalism is self-serving.
Nobody:
The Sun: I’m gonna make your underwear turn into a damp rolled up towel so you walk like you just rode a horse
A hangover so good you crawl out of the bedroom naked and sleep for 6 more hours on the kitchen floor.
Cop: so are you guys in some sort of polyamorous sex thing?
Raphael: what? no we’re brothers.
Cop: oh. It’s just with the matching outfits I thought-
Leonardo: no we like girls. human girls
Cop: is that… is that less weird?
*Walks in late to dinner*
I see fed people.